Part Fifteen – Dear Society (Highly Explicit and Confronting Content)

Dear Society,

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck your empty words and hollow rhetoric.  Fuck your fake values and false ideals.  Fuck your lies and fuck your bullshit.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck the self-righteous conservative moron bigots that claim to be upholding ‘morals’ and what is ‘right and decent’.  Fuck you and fuck the social justice hypocrite retards that fight against them.  Fuck you and fuck the fact that both sides are just as bad as each other, and only create more disunity and disharmony.  Fuck you for the fact that you allow this to happen and do nothing to fix it.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and for the fact that you insist that we are born free when in truth ninety-nine percent of us nothing more than fucking slaves.  Fuck you for the fact that that the one-percent have enslaved us, but more importantly, that it is perfectly legal.  Fuck you for the fact that you can’t create a system of government or justice that balances morality and ethics to the benefit of all, regardless of who they are or their station in life.  Fuck you for the fact that money is more important than people.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck your propaganda and social programming.  Fuck you and fuck the fact that you covertly undermine and degrade people just because they don’t own the latest iPhone, drive a nice car, own a house, are married or are in a relationship, have the ‘correct number’ of children, or aren’t in ridiculous amounts of debt to achieve those things.  Fuck you for the fact that it’s bad enough that the one-percent have enslaved us for financial gain, that you’ve completed our enslavement with your social programming and propaganda all to maintain the ‘status quo’.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you allow morons like Donald Trump and other tin-pot dictators to rise to power.  Fuck you for the fact that if Donald Trump was leader of any other country you WOULD call him a dictator and treat him accordingly.  Fuck you for your blatant hypocrisy on that point.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you do not educate people in what their freedoms actually are, and what that actually entails.  Fuck you for the fact that because of this religion is so divisive, violating its’ original purpose which is to unite people.  Fuck you for not helping people understand that freedom of religion is a right to worship whichever deity or deities you see fit, or to not worship at all.  Fuck you for not helping people understand that freedom of speech not only includes the right to speak freely, but also the right to NOT speak.   Fuck you for the fact that freedom of speech apparently means you can say whatever you want without consequences.  Fuck you for not helping people understand that freedom comes with responsibility, you cannot have one without the other.  Fuck you for the fact that you hold me more accountable and hold me to a higher level of responsibility, even though my life does not benefit in any way from you doing so.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you violate basic human rights on a daily basis.  Fuck you for the fact that you consistently violate peoples’ right to be who they are.  Fuck you for the fact that the status quo is more important than the individual.  Fuck you for being collectivist when you actually need to be more individualist and vice versa.  Fuck you for the fact that you turn your fake values on and off like a tap.  Fuck you for the fact that you don’t even play by your own rules.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck the fact that you encourage misery and sadness on an almost global scale.  Fuck you for the fact that you consistently try to pull the wool over our eyes.  Fuck you for the fact that you want us to believe that it’s business as usual and there’s ‘nothing to see here’.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you are broken and won’t admit it.  Fuck you for the fact that you claim to uphold order but only create chaos.

Fuck.  You.

Society, it’s beyond overdue that you admit how broken you actually are, and actually do something about it.

Kind Regards,

Aaron Konrad Reisch.

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Part Fourteen – Undue Pressure (Explicit Content)

Obviously, I’m still among the living.  If there’s a silver lining to where I was at, it did finally force me to consider being on medication again.  I’ll admit that in many instances I am staunchly against medication as a treatment for mental health issues.  It is my strict opinion that anti-depressants and similar meds are over-prescribed and over-used.

However, in spite of this my stance has changed, especially given that I am on medication again.  I do now accept that some people who have severe mental health issues realistically should be on medication.  The proof of this is that ultimately, even though I did improve after writing on this blog, or seeing my counsellor, it didn’t gain the long-term traction that I needed it to.

I need to be on medication.

End of story.

Boiling things down, I’m on medication because I’m not capable enough to be able to cope with the pressures that the outside world places on me, and the pressures that I also place upon myself.

The irony is that in spite of kicking virtually everyone out of my life is that the pressures are still there.  The reason for this is that I’m so accustomed to outside pressures that if they aren’t there then I pick up the slack.  Even though I kicked everyone out of my life, I am still putting myself under undue pressure, even though I do not benefit in any way what-so-ever by doing so.

Being back on meds aside, I have improved in the past few months.  And while it has been a difficult road up to this point, and I still have a difficult road ahead, at least the meds do some of the heavy lifting, which is what I do need.

For the most part, I no longer have friends.  Which is not only how I want it to be, but more importantly, how I need it to be.  People whom I used to consider to be friends, while they might have genuinely cared about me, were in the way of my mental health actually improving long-term.

It is for that reason, that I walked away.

To reinforce this point, the proof is in how much worse I got after I did so.  Some would argue that it is because I isolated myself.  It would be a valid argument if I was like virtually everyone else.  But, for those of you who have been tuning in that haven’t worked it out yet….

I’m not.

Never have been.

Never will be.

Being brutally honest, those friendships were nothing more than a crutch, not only for myself, but also for the people I was friends with at the time.  The simple and irrefutable facts about this whole situation was that my mental health was never going to improve while I was first and foremost helping others with what was on their mind at the time, at the expense of myself.  Secondly, when my friends did try to help me, it was usually for their own selfish reasons, after all I can be really useful when I’m not climbing the walls because I’m trapped in my own skull.  And finally, when I needed to do what needed to be done, they would try and stop me; or undermine me with more trivial things that made me happy at the time.

Realistically, I am so much better off without all that fucking bullshit in my life anymore.  More importantly now that crutch is gone, I finally got to see how bad my mental health actually was.  The frustrating thing about it all is that for the most part; ignoring the fact that I’m my own worst enemy; I haven’t had to deal with the traumas of sexual or physical abuse.  I haven’t had to flee a war-torn country with no clue as to whether or not I can over go back home.  I haven’t had to endure any of the appalling things that too many people have been subjected to over the years.

That hasn’t happened to me.

My story is about being undermined.

My story is a story about erosion.

That is why I’m at where I’m at.

What a lot of people do not understand is that my experiences have been cumulative.  That is where the damage was done, and more importantly that is what I am trying to repair.

I admire people who can rise above what they have been through, and be better because of it.  In many ways I’m jealous of people who have done that.

I haven’t even picked myself up out of the dirt yet.  In fact, in many ways I didn’t even know that I was figuratively lying face-down in the dirt, slowly bleeding out on an emotional level.  I guess that’s where the meds come in – they’ve helped me at least sit up and take stock of where things are at.  What happens next remains to be seen.

Hopefully if I can take stock on where things are at, and reflect on that so I can move in a direction that I actually want to go – I think it is incredibly important that I phrase it that way.

Moving forward has nothing to do with social norms or expectations, and it never will.  It is actually about moving in the direction you want to go in, in spite of norms and expectations.

That is what moving forward is.

Ask yourself this – would you do something, or be involved in an activity if you didn’t benefit from it?  You wouldn’t, would you?

You would only do so under duress, wouldn’t you.

My point exactly.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times that you need to be practical about it, I’m not that naive to pretend that isn’t the case.  There are times where your choices are limited or virtually non-existent, but there are also times when I would like to think that your choices are limitless, and it is on those occasions it is vital that you exercise your inalienable right to choose for yourself.

No-one has the right to choose for you, or enforce that on you.

I’ve experienced that first-hand.  That is the erosion that I spoke of earlier.

That is the undue pressure I’ve been under for far too long.

With that in mind, I’m going to write a letter to society.

“Dear Society….”

Part Thirteen – End of the Road (Confronting Content)

I wish I was dead, and ironically I’m too scared to even admit to that openly, and what it could mean by admitting to it.  I’m shaking and shivering right now, it’s the closest that I get to any kind of catharsis.

I wish I could cry, just to let it out.  Even if that means that I can’t stop.

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s OK, that I need to cry, but the tears simply won’t come easily.

That aside, I need to try and let it happen, because I’m at the end of the road here.  I’m sitting staring at my screen and basically encouraging myself to let it happen.

It’s not easy, the best I can manage is have my eyes tear up.  But I want to feel them run down my face.  I never thought that I would admit to that openly, but I actually do.

I’ve locked up all the pain, anger, hate, rage, disappointment, sadness, and hurt for too long.  I know that I swore to myself that I would never cry again, but look where that got me.

I’m trying to bring up painful memories to help things along, but to no avail.

I’m even trying to convince myself that I don’t have anything to prove, there’s no-one in the room but myself, and apart from anyone else that reads this, no-one is really going to know about it.

Not quite able to get there.  But in spite of that, the suicidal thoughts are back down to a more manageable level – in the back of my mind, instead of hammering at me.

For those of you reading this, who are concerned about me taking my life, I’ve got things back under better control, the shaking and shivering has subsided.  I guess I did find a small amount of catharsis in the end.

So, for now at least I’m able to keep myself safe.

Promise.

 

 

 

 

Part Twelve – Darkest Hour (Explicit Content)

You know, if I was better at laughing at myself, I would laugh at the title because every time I get really low it is my ‘darkest hour’.  I’ve had so many ‘darkest hours’, that I’ve lost track.

I really need to learn how to laugh at myself, I’m my own comedian, with an audience of one.

Realistically, the sooner I learn to laugh at and with myself, the better.  After all, everyone else has been laughing at me for years – sadistic c**ts, so learning to laugh at myself will definitely soften the blow on that front.

Obviously, I’m pretty low at the moment.  Managed to hit a new low with people, the charity I was volunteering with blatantly lied to my face, and fucked me over with the small amount of paid work they offered me.  They only owe me forty bucks, but it’s magically disappeared because my first ‘shift’ retrospectively became an unpaid work trial, which is basically illegal here in Australia.  My head is still spinning with that one.

Remember my mentioning Krisi – I went to high school with her, and she reached out around a month ago.  That didn’t work out either.  But, I’m able to concede a few things on that one.  The big one being that she made it clear at the start that she didn’t expect a reply from me.  That is probably where I went wrong on that front.  In addition, I encouraged her to be herself, which I didn’t want in the end.  She is outgoing, and I’m obviously not.  She emotionally invests in people, which is something I absolutely hate on virtually every level.

The important thing I’m trying to take away from all of that is that my meaning well and saying the ‘right’ thing in the moment is all well and good, but ultimately I cannot actually deliver on what I say, as well meant as it is.  Fortunately, during my latest batch of self-destruction I was able to recognise that this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened, it’s actually part of a well established pattern that stretches all the way back to high school.

Ultimately, I don’t mean what I say.

Put simply, I’m really fucking insincere.

In terms of my insincerity, that also has its’ roots in high school.  Should I try to explore that?  If I was purely listening to what other people think, then yes, I probably should.  But, it’s not about them, is it.  It’s about me, and besides I have a counselling appointment in a few hours, so I’ll raise it then.  I also need to try and get some sleep because I haven’t slept yet.

Changing topics, I need to actually get on track with my original game plan – being a loner.  I’ve allowed myself to be taken off task, which is frankly unacceptable.  With that in mind the only thing that really needs to change in my life on a basic level is finding some stable work – around fifteen hours a week.  Apart from the obvious increase in income, working could provide a social outlet that I probably need, and I really fucking hate admitting to that.  My main concern is that it could affect my ability to be professional, I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Anyways, I’m losing my train of thought, and I need to try to get some sleep.

 

 

 

Part Eleven – Contemptuous

I’ve had a lot to think about as a result of my last two posts, and for my regulars you’ll know that I tend to take pretty long breaks between posts, so three posts in roughly as many days is a pretty big deal from where I’m sitting, hopefully it’s amounting to something.

I guess I’m trying to take advantage of not only needing to write, but WANTING to write.

So, the conclusion that was reached out of my last two post, but the last one in particular was the intimate and direct link between my rage and feelings of disempowerment.

My rage is fuelled by my feelings of disempowerment.

In the cases where I felt ‘powerful’, in spite of my poor choice of actions in the end, my rage doesn’t really have anything to feed off.

To be clear, power and feeling powerful is not the same as feeling empowered.  I think it is important that I say that.  I have met people whom I would consider to be empowered, and in those cases them feeling powerful and/or projecting power wasn’t part of the equation.

I do think that the concept of power and feeling powerful ultimately does have negative connotations, which is possibly unfortunate given what its’ true and genuine meaning could be.  I don’t know what that is, just to be clear.

Ultimately, the idea of empowerment feels like a better fit for me, and while I’m not a sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows bloke, there is a certain warmth to the idea of empowerment that is appealing.  It encourages ideas and ideals of being the best you can be in any given moment, and encouraging the same in others.

It’s an idea and ideal that is worth not only exploring, but aspiring to.

Getting away from that, the subject of this post is my contemptuous attitude of others, which is highly relevant and sadly does play a large part of the relationship between my rage and my feelings of disempowerment, and consequently how I view the world.

To start with, my Mum pointed out last year that she is of the opinion that my attitude of women is contemptuous, and was as much when I was a teenager.

She was right.

In addition, my Dad has pointed out my contemptuous attitude of him during a fight that we had the other night, which was the catalyst for writing these most recent posts.

He is also right, I do hold him in contempt, and have for a while.

Sadly, it extends beyond that.  I hold most people in contempt, most of the time.

I’m trying to be less blunt about it, and express myself in a more measured and balanced way.

If I was upset and angry enough I would say that I hold ALL people in contempt, ALL of the time.

Yeah, I know right.

There are over seven billion people on our planet, and when cooler heads prevail, even I am willing to admit how utterly absurd and ridiculous that actually is.

Am I prone to the ridiculous?

Yes.

The question for me is how, did it get to this?  And looking back on my life, while I can’t pinpoint it down to a specific event, I can at least consider a time-frame.  Originally, I would have said it was during my teenage years, especially during high school.  And while that time in my life ultimately set the foundation of where I am at now, I do think that it was earlier than that.  I’m thinking possibly as early as five, but being honest I don’t actually know.  More importantly I genuinely cannot see myself as a five year old holding people in, and treating them with contempt.  It doesn’t fit.  However, I think that it is reasonable to consider that the seeds for my future contemptuous attitude were sown there.

To paint the scene as well as I can, as a child I was gifted and highly intelligent, but on the flip-side I was highly strung.  For me, a good way to look at this is that being intelligent but highly strung DOES NOT go together, ever.  To try and back that up, it is like trying to balance a set of scales that are already unbalanced, they haven’t been calibrated properly.

In some ways my nature is a dichotomy of the rational and the irrational, the thoughtful and the thoughtless, the reasonable and unreasonable.

I have wondered on many occasions about that duality within myself, and in some ways that does put me behind the eight-ball.  Dealing with duality presents unique challenges that most people won’t understand.

I think that it is safe to say that any advantages that being intelligent and gifted offers, are instantly cancelled out by my being highly strung and not being able to process my emotions.

For the most part the highly strung part of my nature does win out over the intelligent part.  I guess that is where the scales are unbalanced.  And in many cases, when I am feeling wound up and frustrated the intelligent part of my nature gets dragged in by it and tries to rationalise the irrationality of the situation, and consequently just stokes the fire.

On that point, it’s why I can’t stand irrational people.  I can make irrationality in-house, I don’t need to import it!

Getting back to my contempt, my current theory is that my being intelligent was not valued, appreciated, or respected.  My feeling is that it was something that was in some ways bragged about by my parents and shown off.

Being blunt our society does not truly value or appreciate intelligence.  That is my firm opinion, and unlikely to change any time soon.

The rest of it stems from not being engaged on an intellectual level when I got frustrated.  I’m trying to not judge the important people in my life during early childhood, but it is hard not to.  The simple reality is that when I lost my temper I had morality enforced upon me, but people tended to engage my anger, instead of trying to get me to calm down and get back to thinking rationally.  Yes, what I did was wrong, but if I’m not going to be listened to and heard, then frankly it’s about you, and not about resolution.

Some would argue that I would just a child and I should have known better, but also known my place.  This is such a fallacy.  It’s an absolute joke, and is where I do believe that my being intelligent was ultimately not given some amount of value and respect.

If I was supposed to rise above the mundane and mediocre, stop holding me back!

In this case, it’s where the seeds were sown, people couldn’t reconcile my being intelligent with being highly strung.  While I do need to try and let that go, it doesn’t change the fact that it was a poor situation, that I was required to take full responsibility for.

It’s not my fault that people could not reconcile my being intelligent with being highly strung.  If I am required to take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions, then so are you.

Your logic, and your rules, not mine.

I did not need moral standards imposed and enforced upon me.  What I need is an opportunity to see that in spite of my disagreement with moral standards and their application that maybe it’s the best way forward given that is what most people are trying to live to.  I am willing to accept that there are rules and expectations, but in response to that I ask this.

If these values are so important, where is the value in living by them, especially given that too many people don’t?

It is at this point I would like to mention Nietzsche.  To be clear, I haven’t read much of his work, more importantly I don’t enjoy reading philosophy, I prefer to think philosophically for myself.  If I wanted to read something that goes round and round in circles, and explore concepts to death, I can do that for myself.  This blog proves that.

The thing about Nietzsche that stands out for me is the concept of the superior man.  I’m going to draw this excerpt from Encyclopaedia Britannica;

“Superman, German Übermensch, in philosophy, the superior man, who justifies the existence of the human race. “Superman” is a term significantly used by Friedrich Nietzsche, particularly in Also sprach Zarathustra (1883–85), although it had been employed by J.W. von Goethe and others. This superior man would not be a product of long evolution; rather, he would emerge when any man with superior potential completely masters himself and strikes off conventional Christian “herd morality” to create his own values, which are completely rooted in life on this earth. Nietzsche was not forecasting the brutal superman of the German Nazis, for his goal was a “Caesar with Christ’s soul.” George Bernard Shaw popularized the term “superman” in his play Man and Superman (1903).”

Don’t get me wrong, the part about the superior man justifying the existence of the human race does not sit well with me, our society does not need messiahs or divine leaders.  What our society does need however is to truly give people the opportunity to best they can be and find mastery of self, not what society decides that a persons’ best is or isn’t or what mastery of self entails.

The section I’m particularly interested in is this.  I’m doing my best to not take it out of context, but I do feel that it can stand up under its’ own weight.

“This superior man would not be a product of long evolution; rather, he would emerge when any man with superior potential completely masters himself and strikes off conventional Christian “herd morality” to create his own values, which are completely rooted in life on this earth.”

For me it is about rising up, achieving your potential and mastering yourself, in a way that isn’t at the expense of others, to the benefit of mankind as a whole.

It is about breaking the shackles of herd mentality and herd morality, because morality is nothing more than a means of control of the masses.  And yet, if people were truly good and given the opportunity to be truly good, then there is no need for morality, at the very least, not in its’ current form, or the way it does get enforced.

The concept of morality is a means of control, which is enforced, and in turn violates the reason it was created in the first place.  The concept of morality is self-defeating by its’ very nature.

I know that it might be a bit of a stretch but I could be on to something here.  Some would argue what are we supposed to replace morals with if we get rid of them?  It’s a reasonable assumption that if I make the assertion that the concept of morality is self-defeating by its’ very nature, that I would be wanting to be rid of them entirely.

The thing is that I’m not.  I don’t question the need for some form of moral code, but I do see the concept of morality, and the premise that it presents, to be overused and misused.  I personally see the role that morals and morality to be more of a guide and mentor, instead of judge, jury, and executioner.  And, if we accept; myself included; that human nature is essentially good, wouldn’t we want to encourage and foster that goodness and be guided towards it, instead of having it enforced under threat of punishment?  There is nothing wrong with people needing guidance, or being taught about more appropriate courses of action and behaviour.

Tying this back into myself and when the seeds of my contempt were sown back when I was a child, I needed guidance and a mentor.  I know that the concept of a mentor and protégé is for the most part out-dated, but that is what I needed.  It is unfortunate that I ultimately didn’t get that.

I do need to make peace with this.

I’m not sure if I can.

Moving back to the concept of the superior man, I do need to modernise it, to make it more accessible.  While I am reasonably confident that I understand the point being made and the spirit in which it was written, there are no guarantees.

“The superior person would not be the product of long evolution; rather, they would emerge when a person of superior potential completely masters themselves and casts off the shackles of conventional and conservative ‘herd morality’, to establish their own values, to the benefit of all life on this earth.”

For me, modernising Nietzsches’ original premise does help clarify what I believe he was setting out to achieve, and make it more accessible.  Yes, modernising the original premise does ultimately become about my opinion on the thoughts of Nietzsche.  I get that, I really do.  I have endeavoured to be as balanced as I can, and take it in good faith.  The result is what you see above.

Ultimately, I do believe that the superior person is not a messiah, or a divine leader.  They would be someone whom exhibits mastery of self, and as a result rises above the petty concerns of the ‘herd’ to establish their own values; which take into account all life on this earth; which is to the benefit of everyone and every living thing on this planet.

I’ll admit that I am starting to go around in circles, which I don’t want.  Have I potentially bitten off more than I can chew, yes.  I just hope that all of this doesn’t get lost in translation.

The point I have been trying to make, is that in regards to the superior person, the ‘morals’ or the ‘moral code’ is built in, but what sets them apart is that the ‘morality’ isn’t something that they enforce upon themselves or others, it is something that is part of the decision making process, which factors in all life on this planet.

They are a guide and mentor, that is all.

I need to drop this point here, because I don’t want to muddy the waters any more than I already have.

Moving away from that, I do have examples of people that for me come to mind when I think about superior people.  I will admit that unfortunately the list has mainly men on it, which I am disappointed about, because I want this list to be inclusive.  In addition there are people that come to mind, because of what they’ve achieved, I just don’t know their names, which is frustrating, but is what it is.

People whom come to mind in regards to superior people; people whom for me have risen up and have shown, or are showing us, a better way; includes Nelson Mandela, Barack Obama, Tony Blair, Elon Musk, Mother Theresa, Richard Branson, Helen Clark, Florence Nightingale, Kofi Annan, Bernie Sanders, Pope Francis, and Pope John Paul II.

There are others, which includes the Nobel Prize winner whom introduced microloans in India – helping break the cycle of poverty, and the young woman whom advocates the rights of girls to education in Muslim countries; it sucks that I don’t know their names.

Ultimately the people on this list have reached the top of their respective fields, in some cases overcoming great adversity at great personal cost, to show us all a potentially better way.  They want better for ALL of us.  And while at times they have been outspoken, they want to inspire people and give people something to aspire to, but not for self-gratification, just to make things better for all of us.  They are not moralistic people, they do not lord over us, they encourage the pursuit of better and improvement.

For me that is the hallmark of the superior person – the seek to make things better for EVERYONE.  With that in mind, I will make one final adjustment to Nietzsches’ original argument.

“The superior person would not be the product of long evolution; rather, they would emerge when a person overcomes their adversity, completely mastering themselves, and achieving their potential, to cast off the shackles of conventional and conservative ‘herd morality’, establishing their own values for the benefit of all life on this earth.”

I think I’ve done it, but even if I haven’t, I hope there is enough truth in it that someone will find useful at some point.

I guess that in reaching my final interpretation of Nietzsches’ argument, ANYONE can be a superior person, I guess that is the beauty of it.  It is my sincerest hope that message does come across, and it’s not lost in translation.

Not everyone speaks “Aaron”, I do view the world differently than most, and communicate differently than most.

I just hope I’ve done enough.

So, I guess that means we’ve come full circle. With consideration to what I have been saying if my potential is so wonderful, such an important and worthwhile thing to pursue and achieve, then why was it imposed and enforced?  Why was it trivialised and not truly appreciated by others?  It is ultimately, all water under the bridge.  While I do need to consider being a better version of myself – my own version of a superior person – I want it to be my journey and my own personal achievement, first and foremost.  Others will benefit both directly and indirectly if I do finally get there, and I guess that it where my contempt does stem from.

My potential has always felt like it is about others, and them benefitting first, with myself benefitting second, maybe.

To sum up, I want to quote Hemmingway;

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

That is what I want for myself, and something I want for others.  You could say that is a truth for me, right now.

I hope that as the reader you find your own truth in what I have written.

Part Ten – Rage from Disempowerment (Confronting and explicit content)

Before I begin, I need to start with a disclaimer.  What starts as a post about the relationship between my rage and disempowerment ultimately becomes about my discussing domestic violence here in Australia and my actions as a perpetrator.  This issue and my views on how to tackle it could be too confronting to some.  While I wrote this post in good faith and with a spirit towards making a valuable contribution for a lasting solution to DV here in Australia, I understand that some readers may not understand the point I am making and could take things I say out of context.  If you are unable to read this post in good faith, and take everything in context of the greater whole, I encourage you to not read any further. 

This is a very long post, over five thousand words, I have done my utmost to be measured and balanced but, that may be lost in translation.  Realistically, I can re-read this only so many times, and make so many amendments before risking what I am trying to say.  I can only hope I am successful in getting my point across.

I will be taking comments on this post, specify if you wish to have your thoughts made public as I can moderate the comments section.  I will consider your thoughts in good faith and in the spirit that they are offered. 

Your co-operation is greatly appreciated.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought into things since my last post.  I won’t lie, I am disappointed that I didn’t really gain much traction within myself as a result of my last post.  It was this first time since I started this blog last year that I didn’t walk away from writing a post feeling better – the feeling better is generally temporary, around four to six weeks, but given where I am at any reprieve is better than none.

In a lot of ways, I need a break from myself, because it is a 24/7 job.

It requires my full and undivided attention at all times, and as a result there is virtually no room for anything else.

Moving away from that, I decided to finally try and look at is behind the rage.  Strong emotions like anger and rage are usually underpinned by other emotions that haven’t been resolved, in fact, I am certain that those of you who are tuning in have heard about this too.  My current counsellor has pointed this out on a number of occasions.  The anger and rage is masking something deeper, what is it?

Dig deeper.

So, with that in mind…especially given that I woke up this morning, and like most mornings I leapt straight into feeling angry.  After all, I can’t start my day without a coffee, a smoke, and some rage.

That is my morning ritual.

Anyways, I hired some burly blokes who tell dirty jokes while they work (they’re obnoxious, but good at what they do), some jack-hammers and other assorted diggy-type equipment, and prepared myself for a lot of digging.

We’d barely broken ground when the foreman informed me that we’d hit something.

Really?  That doesn’t sound right because I had always felt that my rage was so deeply entrenched in who I am, and who I have been, that I was expecting a long slog.

But sure enough, there it was…laid bare, and a possible answer.

Disempowerment.

When I look back on things, it is those occasions where I’ve felt disempowered and disenfranchised that have stayed with me through all these years, which in turn has given my rage, anger, and hate all the fuel it needs.

My feelings of disempowerment are the fuel for my rage.

At the risk of making this a eureka moment, I could be on to something here.  To qualify, the occasions where I’ve felt like I’ve had more control over and in a situation, situations where I have felt ‘powerful’, don’t have the hold over me in the present, like the situations where I’ve felt disempowered and ‘powerless’ do and have.

Now, it is very important that I say that power and empowerment do not necessarily go together, in fact I will go so far to say that it is a common mistake that people make.  I firmly believe that.

Moving away from that, I am going to use some examples that are potentially provocative and might make people uneasy, especially women, because the examples I will be using do involve domestic violence, which right now is on the national agenda here in Australia.  The simple reality is that men, such as myself, who as perpetrators do need to speak up because resolving this issue not only needs to happen, but needs to be inclusive so that the country can heal as a whole, and things can start to improve.

I need to be perfectly clear, do I know that domestic violence is wrong?  Of course I do, and I am saddened that people would assume that just because I am a perpetrator I would magically forget, or fail to realise that what I did was wrong.  Part of me wants to go down the road of having a weak moment…but, not going to cut it

So, where do we go from here.  Well, putting it simply, the guilt I feel is from the act of violence itself – I pinned a young woman named Kylie to a cupboard by her throat.  I don’t feel guilty about the intentions behind the violence.

Now, I know there are going to be those of you who are saying “Dude! Don’t fucking go there!”, the thing is…how do you even know where I am going with this?

It is at this point I encourage any of you who are tuning in, to take a break at this point if you’re feeling uneasy or uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been a victim of domestic violence – how I’m looking at this and what I will be saying, while well meant, isn’t going to be easy for some to cope with.  I get that.  I encourage you to consider giving the rest of this post a miss, not because you’re not welcome, but because I don’t want to aggravate past pains or strike raw nerves with people.  I do want to make a small, but hopefully valuable contribution to helping solve the domestic violence problem here in Australia.  Unfortunately, my contribution will take us somewhere that some people may not be able or willing to go.

Now, for those of you who are sticking around, thank-you.  This is going to potentially be one of the most confronting posts I have ever posted, and possibly ever will post.  This is not going to be an easy ride.  Take your time, give what I am saying your full attention.  Everything I have to say MUST be taken in context, in fact if anything is taken out of context this post and what I have to say will fall apart.  I believe that goes for anything that anyone has to say, even though I don’t necessarily abide by that.  I guess that unfortunately a bit of a hypocrite.

Rest assured, I will be taking responsibility for what I am about to say.  I will endeavour to be clear in what I am saying, in the spirit that it is being said, with the goal of resolution.  However, it is your responsibility as the reader to take what I am saying in good faith.

Are you ready?  I know I’m not, but needs must…so here goes.

In regards to my assault on Kylie, I carry a lot of guilt about the act of violence itself.  it should not have happened, but it did.  I cannot take it back.  Unfortunately what is done, is done.  I have to live with that.  To be clear, she was not my partner, just someone I was living with under share house arrangement.  As a result of that act in particular, I will never have a relationship.  I will never have a partner, or a spouse.  Why?  Because I have a vile temper, and in spite of the fact that I don’t have anywhere near as much control over it as I would like, the best and quickest solution I have is to firstly bottle it up as much as I can, and secondly keep it away from others as much as I can.

For those of you questioning why I am not in a relationship, are you fucking kidding me?  Re-read this post, from the start, and come to the same conclusion I have reached.  If you cannot either reach this conclusion or accept it, I need you to leave.  I know my choice is the right choice.

I am not in a relationship for a reason – my temper.  It is my way of taking responsibility.  It is the right thing to do, in spite of past actions.  I have a vile temper, keeping it away from others is my utmost priority, even though it is ripping me to shreds.  If you do not get this, walk away.

Getting back on point, while I carry a lot of guilt over the act of violence against Kylie, I barely carry any guilt over the intention.

I can almost hear some of you going “Dude, what the fuck?  Please don’t go there”, but you don’t know what I’m going to say next.  For those of you getting worked up, relax.  Breathe.  Take a moment.  Isn’t what you might think it is.

The reason that I barely carry any guilt, is that in spite of my final actions, all I wanted to happen is for the situation to stop.  I wanted the situation at the time to end.  I wanted the abuse to stop.  I wanted the lack of courtesy to stop, and most importantly I wanted to actually be heard, have what I had to say actually carry some weight, but most importantly have a solution that included both myself AND Kylie be put into place, where both of us took responsibility for our ends of the situation.

Unfortunately, the way out was through.  Was it a fight or flight response?  Maybe, but I don’t want to be seen as using that as an excuse.

I was trying to be empowered during a disempowering situation, the choice of action that I ultimately chose in trying to be empowered and bring the situation to an end is where I fucked up, big time!  I need to be clear, I am in no way saying that violence is an empowered choice, I hope that is understood.  My choice of action in expressing power was awful and unacceptable, but the intention – bringing the situation to an end was not.

I know that I’m dropping the ball in explaining this, it’s all in there, I just need to get it out in a way that doesn’t confuse people or justify heavy handed actions like lashing out violently.  What haunts me more than anything are situations where I didn’t stand up for myself, usually where someone is determined to be controlling and domineering, or simply put me in my place because they can, regardless or relevance or appropriateness.

That is what gest me…it is that level of disempowerment that feeds my rage.

So, to be clear – disempowerment haunts me and feeds my rage.  I carry guilt over my actions and choice of actions, but not the original intentions behind the actions – usually trying to end a situation that I felt like I had little control over.  Got it?  I hope so, but I know that the logic may not sit with some.

The simple fact is that in the months leading up to my lashing out violently, the situation was beyond a joke.  Did I contribute to the situation?  Of course I did, but not in the way you might think.  The simple reality was that Kylie was allowed to treat me how she saw fit, based on whatever mood she was in, and I was held to a higher standard, at ALL times.  Every situation started with Kylie getting upset with me about something I wasn’t doing correctly, or to her satisfaction, which I find strange given that we were living in a shared accommodation arrangement, which means that other people should have been pulled up as well, but from my perspective they weren’t, and the proof is that nothing changed, but I was held solely accountable.  I would start by trying to calm her down, she would retaliate, and it would escalate from there, culminating in me blowing her out of the water with words, as a result of my having had enough.  From there, people who knew us both would generally side with her, and I would have my legs cut out from under me, because I knew ‘better’.  Again, I will repeat something I said earlier, I do feel guilty for my final action in any of those situations, but not the intentions behind the action itself.  Again, I wanted the situation to stop.  I wanted resolution.  I wanted improvement, but it never came.  In the context of what this post is ultimately about – my rage being fuelled by feelings of disempowerment – the above is a prime example of that occurring.

During my life to date people in general, but women in particular for the most part, are permitted to treat me how they see fit.  And yet, when I work with the same standard it magically disappears.  Poof! And it’s gone, never to be seen again.

Going on a tangent, I need to be clear…reasons are not excuses.  Reasons are not a justification.  Reasons are contributing factors of the whole.  It is high time that society pulled its’ collective head out of its’ collective arse and finally recognised this.  In the case of everything that happened between myself and Kylie – “A” led to “B” led to “C” etc, culminating in my being violent, I was ultimately held to a higher standard, Kylie was not.  To be clear this is not an excuse, but it is a contributing factor.  At the risk of repeating myself.

Reasons are not excuses.

Reasons are not a justification.

Reasons are contributing factors of the whole.

If society does not treat all the contributing factors to any given situation as a part of a greater whole, the situation itself, in context, then problems and issues will NEVER be resolved.  Ever.

The simple truth is that my final actions were wrong, they were immoral.  My final actions in ending a situation in multiple instances were wrong, they were also immoral.  However, my treatment as a result, in every circumstance was flatly unethical, and therefore disempowering to me.  In every single circumstance in regards to my actions, outside parties were too busy being moralistic, they were too busy taking steps, and sides, that aligned with their fake values, so that they would feel better.  Which in turn further exacerbated my disempowerment.  It was a shit situation made worse by weak people.  When the situation required strength; which in spite of my actions in the moment; that I was trying to provide, no one was interested.  The outside parties involved chose to be moralistic and had the audacity to wonder why resolution was not achieved.  The situation was a joke, end of story.

The thing about that situation as whole that gets me the most is that I was supposed to know ‘better’.  I was supposed to know ‘better’.  I alone, knew ‘better’.  Utter bullshit.

The reason I am going there is because this issue has plagued me for years, and it has taken dealing with a professional, in this case my counsellor, who is also a qualified psychologist to find some answers.  The simple truth is that because I’m intelligent – my IQ is just under 140 – I magically know better, at ALL times.  I am capable of better, because I know better, therefore I have to be better, irrespective of the behaviour of others, at ALL times.  And yet my actions towards others in turn have the full weight of self-serving moralism thrown at it.

My counsellor agrees, that situation is a fucking joke, and here is why.

The reality is actually is quite different.  Under the Rule of Law, unless you have been legally declared to be of diminished capacity, your level of intelligence does not hold you to a lesser or higher legal standard than anyone else.

I will say that again.

Under the Rule of Law, unless you are legally seen to be of diminished capacity, level of intelligence DOES NOT hold you to a lesser or higher legal standard than ANYONE else!

End of story.

That standard is universal, period.

So, on that point, my frustrations and feelings of disempowerment are more than simply sour grapes or not getting my way.  My feelings of disempowerment in this instance are one hundred percent appropriate.  This point is reinforced when I try to hold other people to the same standard, a standard where we all should know better, and yet, that standard magically disappears.

That’s very interesting.

Diminished capacity in legal terms aside, we ALL should know better.

Like I said, it’s very interesting.

Obviously, that doesn’t happen.  Which means instead of it technically being a legal issue, like it is supposed to, it is turned into a moralistic one.

Morals are NOT law.

However, I do believe that our legal system should have a moral grounding or foundation.  I’m sure you will agree with me on that point.

I have digressed again, but I’m hoping that what I have been saying remains relevant.

One of the biggest arguments that is coming out of the domestic violence debate here in Australia is this;

There is no excuse or justification for violence against women.

Hmm.  I sense a disturbance in the force, on this one.  I sense the potential for one problem being replaced with another.

I know…”Dude, don’t go there!”

Again, you don’t know what I’m going to say.  I will ask you to read everything I have said IN CONTEXT.

Before I continue, I want to say this.  In regards to the argument “There is no excuse or justification for violence against women”, I can first and foremost take that statement in context of the issue of domestic violence and what that statement is aiming to achieve – elimination of violence against women.  I can take that statement in good faith, in spite of my issues with women, and also given that I am a DV perpetrator, because the issue needs to be resolved.  It goes well beyond being a moralistic issue (I don’t question the morality, just to be clear), because it affects our entire society on a fundamental level.

I can do those things.

Can I say the same of others?

Well…

All I have to say in response to the current argument is, “This isn’t going to end well”.

That statement concerns me deeply, but in order to do so, I have to take gender out of the equation.  I have to explain myself using two genderless “entities”, to make my point.  I’ll call them “A” and “B”.  I will make both “A” and “B” equally emotionally balanced and consistent.  Also, for the sake of consistency I will modify the original argument to “There is no excuse or justification for violence”.

I apologise in advance if I am being too general, I just hope I can make my point.

So, something happens that upsets and frustrates “A”.  “A” then expresses that frustration at/to “B”.  Now “B” responds how ever they respond to the frustrations of “A”; the response in and of itself isn’t necessarily relevant; but unfortunately “A” isn’t satisfied with “B”s response, and expresses as much.  It is at this point, that in spite of both “A” and “B” being relatively emotionally balanced for the most part that the situation starts to escalate.  Both “A” and “B” have opportunities to walk away and try again later when cooler heads prevail but sadly neither does, either because they don’t feel they can, the other party won’t allow them to do so, or they simply don’t want to because they want ‘satisfaction’.  The situation continues to escalate, and potentially the original reason for “A”s frustration and being upset is long forgotten, it is essentially now about getting points on the board at the others’ expense.  The situation has finally escalated so much, and tempers are at boiling point, that “B” lashes out physically and violently at “A”.

Using the logic that the argument “There is no excuse or justification for violence”, “B” is in the wrong.  End of story.  Case closed.  “B” is a horrible person in the eyes of society, and deserves to be punished to the fullest extent of the law.

Guilty as charged, bash gavel, next case.

Seriously?  Using that general example, is “B” in the wrong?  Yes…violence is unacceptable.  I am in no way condoning the final violent actions taken by “B”.  However, what about the actions of “A”?  It isn’t as though “B” walked up to “A” and smacked them out for no reason.  Nor did “B” smack out “A” in response to them expressing their frustrations in the first place.  The final act of violence occurred because of both parties contribution to the situation as a whole.  Now, I know that for some of you this isn’t easy to consider, I sincerely get that.

My point is that situations need to be looked at and considered as a whole, and therefore resolved as a whole, with the intention of helping prevent situations like this escalating the way they do IN THE FIRST PLACE.

This means that if a lasting solution is to be achieved both men AND women need to be a part of the debate.  Together.  And that includes perpetrators like myself.  While I don’t condone my behaviour, it was as a result of an escalation that was underpinned by double standards.  I know…poor choice of words, but that is how I see it.

On a personal note, I have been belittled, degraded, and put down by women in the past.  I have done the same, in turn.  When I do it I’m a horrible person, when women have done it to me there must be a reason, or I deserved it, obviously.  Seriously?  What the fuck!?!?  There is either an acceptable standard for behaviour, and how we treat each other, or there is not.  This shifting standard is part of the problem, and more importantly why I avoid women at any cost.

Part of involving both men AND women in the DV debate is first and foremost acknowledging that men and women ARE different.  We are.  End of story.  It is not about men being better than women because of “X”, or women being better than men because of “Y”, we simply need to accept that both genders are different.  We are made differently, wired differently, view the world differently, have the world place expectations on us differently.  We are different and accepting that is where this debate needs to start.  I can no more claim as a man to truly understand what it is like to be a woman any more than a woman can claim they truly understand what it is like to be a man.  To do so is not only foolish and short-sighted, but utterly absurd!  We need to acknowledge and accept what makes us different, before we can see what makes us the same, to then come together and work this out.

To me, the above example between “A” and “B” is valid and needs to be considered.  And what gets me is that standards magically change just because the perpetrator is a man, and the victim is a woman. The standards also change if a woman lashes out violently at a man it would seem as a result of his ‘provocation’.  We either address the issue as a whole, or we don’t.  It takes two to tango.  I apologise if I’m offending people by saying that, but for me standards need to be applied universally, or not at all.

I can almost hear the hard-line feminists foaming at the mouth and getting ready to breathe fire at what I just said.  To them, what I have to say is this – are you a part of the problem or a part of the solution?  Are you genuine and sincere in wanting the situation in regards to domestic violence here in Australia to be resolved, or not?  Are you voicing your opinions in good faith, with the goal of resolution; or are you out to get points on the board and get even?

Are you a champion for the cause of solving domestic violence here in Australia, or just a poser?

As a perpetrator, I forfeited the right to call myself a champion for the cause of solving DV in Australia, but it doesn’t change the fact that I do believe in the cause.  I want to do better, but not so hard-line feminists can cut my balls off to get even.  We either come together, and resolve this issue together, or we don’t.  End of story.

Getting back on point, I hope my generic example was successful in making it.

As it currently stands, here in Australia, the argument that “There is no excuse or justification for violence against women” could potentially move us into such dangerous territory.  That is because if that argument is taken out of context, and not taken in good faith, in the spirit in which it was offered, it will only ultimately create and encourage FURTHER acts of violence against women.  This is a genuine concern of mine, I just hope as the reader you see that.

I say the above for this reason – if you take those words LITERALLY, what you will get is this – as a woman I can say and do whatever I want, whenever I want, and if he lashes out violently as a result…it is ALL his fault.  I did NOTHING wrong, it is all on him!

Essentially it is the fucked up reverse of some of the justifications that some perpetrators have used in the past, which laws (to my limited knowledge actually existed) made acceptable and therefore legal.  I just hope that my personal example shows that I am not one of them.  I know I am walking a very fine line here

To clarify, the reason I say this is because in spite of my ignorance on how women have been treated over the years by men, I think that I am right in saying that there is a lot of bad blood and anger from women towards men over their treatment that WILL come out.  While I want to believe that the argument “There is no excuse or justification for violence against women” is supposed to empower women, it ultimately won’t.  I say that because one potentially empowering statement won’t empower a heavily disempowered and disenfranchised section of society.  For the most part all I see happening is that attempt at an empowering statement being filtered through disempowered and disenfranchised eyes, and the wrong conclusions being reached.

To make things simpler, it is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive.  I have seen it so many times in others, and I have done it myself.  I am disempowered, which is what my anger and rage is sitting on.  I try to be assertive, but aggression comes out in its’ place.  That is what this post was originally meant to be about, indirectly it still is.  I cannot be assertive, and therefore empowered until I firstly address my anger and rage, but more importantly the disempowerment my anger and rage is sitting on.  While my anger and rage most likely far exceeds what many women could be feeling in terms of how they are consistently treated, and consequently disempowered, we may not be as different as you might think, as much as I hate to admit it.  The circumstances are different, but the end result – disempowerment – is similar, if not the same.

To have more than fifty percent of our society potentially feeling disempowered and disenfranchised based purely on their gender is insane!  It is no wonder our society is in the state it is in.  In spite of what I’ve been saying I am on the side of women and empowering women.  To prove that I say this; yes, I hate women, my feelings towards your gender run very deep.  But in spite of that I want women to be empowered for one simple reason – so I can deal with you and you can deal with me without either side getting so frustrated and upset with each other.  I want to be able to come together with women on a simple and basic human level, achieve what ever it is that needs to be done, and then go back to our lives with the satisfaction of knowing we got something done.  That is it, no expectations, and no ulterior motives.  Don’t believe me, re-read my earlier argument about why I’m not in a relationship – that means I don’t date either, as it is a part of the relationship process, in my opinion.

For me at least, moving forward will likely involve tackling my feelings of disempowerment.  Part of that will involve how my disempowerment relates to women.  I have treated women atrociously for the most part over the years, but I have also been treat atrociously by women over the years.  Both sides have contributed to where I am at presently.  It would be foolish and short-sighted to ignore that simple fact.  While I am perfectly capable of making myself miserable, I’ve had plenty of help.  That is also a simple fact.

To wrap things up, as a result of this post; which ended up going in a different direction than I thought it would; it is my firm belief that the solution to domestic violence is a full and holistic approach to this issue.  It cannot happen any other way.  Part of that solution is addressing disempowerment, which as a perpetrator of DV was a contributing factor which is incredibly relevant.

This means that men, especially perpetrators need to be heard.  How this would be done, I cannot say, but I know that it won’t be easy.  But I will say that for men like myself who have committed an act of domestic violence, we need to be heard, but without the moralistic attitudes that could potentially come with it.  I’ve had my fill of moralistic people on this issue, in fact it is a disincentive to improve.  I am perfectly capable of beating myself up over my actions, I don’t need help with that.  I can be pointlessly moralistic with myself, I don’t need to import it from the outside.

I want to be better.  While I do feel guilty about what happened, I won’t apologise for my actions, because they cannot undo what I did.  A better substitute is for me to work on issues that I face, especially those in regards to women.  The proof of my willingness to be better is the fact that I don’t have a partner or spouse, and likely never will.  That is a choice that I made given my volatile nature and vile temper.

To any detractors, I know that my choice about relationships is the right choice, it is the right thing to do, and always will be.  I don’t have to explain myself to you, and if you think that I do, just to satisfy your alleged values about relationships, ask yourself this.

Are you a part of the problem, or the solution?

I’m for the most part trying to be a part of the solution, and want to be a part of the solution.

Can you say the same?

Part Nine – Chasing Better (Explicit Content)

No man is an island.  I have heard that line so many times over the years.  I usually hear it when I’m being a loner, or am determined to go it alone, and an outside party is equally as determined to stop me.

Question is, why are they doing that?  In some ways I know, and in other ways I don’t.  Before I continue, those words – no man is an island/no-one is an island, ring so hollow and empty that I don’t understand why the people who have said those words to me, insist on saying those words to me.

I guess the question that raises its’ head the most in response to ‘no man is an island’ is, why is that such a problem?  I do not recall at any time being told that keeping to myself, or being an ‘island’ was an unacceptable course of action.  I was never told that being an ‘island’ was immoral or unethical.  I was never told that society would not ever tolerate my being an ‘island’.  And yet, that is exactly the attitude I receive from people who spout that hollow platitude at me, because it aligns with their fake values, and because I’m apparently a threat to their fake values.

So, to those people who believe so strongly that no man is an island, that it is at the expense of the person you’ve arbitrarily spouted those empty words on, purely for your own self-gratification, I have this to say to you.

Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

The reason that I want to be an island is because of people like you.  People who are motivated by self interest to the point that it violates the help they think that they are rendering to me.  One of the reasons I have walked away is because of people just like you and your hollow platitudes designed to boost your own ego and nothing else.  So, at the risk of repeating myself.

Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

I am an island.  Deal with it.  More importantly, I am an island to get away from people like you.  In addition, I am an island to minimise the impact of where I am at on others.  It’s bad enough that I am where I am at, but having where I am at impacting so heavily on others to then have those people take it back out on me is just adding to the problem.  It adds to the problem because of having to just deal with my own bullshit, I have to not only deal with other peoples’ bullshit, but have to take ‘responsibility’ for my end of that.  Get it through your thick fucking heads, I am an island for a fucking reason!  Don’t have anything to do with me, I’ll even be grateful, I absolutely will!  So, again…

Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

My borders are closed.  The guard towers are fully manned and operational, and have permission to ‘shoot on sight’.  You are not welcome, but more importantly you should never have been made welcome.  Ever.  If you don’t want the emotional equivalent of multiple high-powered sniper rounds through the head.  Just leave me be.  But, there is an upside.  You leave me alone, I leave you alone.  Simple.

End rant.

Ugh, for those of you who have been tuning in, I am sorry that you had to see that…regrettably it had to be done.  It needed to be said, and it really sucks that I get so aggressive, but more importantly that you had to see it.  I want those of you who have tuned into my posts over the last eight or so months, I do appreciate your support.  I also hope that my perspective on having mental illness has been thought provoking and ultimately useful.  If only one sentence from one post gives just one reader something to think about that leads to something, then mission accomplished.

Moving on, in the four months since my social suicide and new-found freedom, I’ve been looking for better, I’ve been chasing better – hence the title.  Unfortunately, I’m not off to a good start, at least it feels that way.  The reason for that is that my current situation is all on me.  I no longer have friends that keep the demons at bay, either directly or indirectly.  But, that was the point of finally going it alone.  Well…that’s not one hundred percent true.  I did keep one person in my life, he is in just as bad a place as I am, but for different reasons.  In some ways we were good for each other, and in other ways we weren’t.  Ultimately, I stuck around for him, but I can’t do it anymore and had to cut him from my life as well.

Then in a strange irony, someone who I went to high school with reached out via my last blog post a week or two ago.  It would seem that I can’t disconnect as much as I would like, but then again having Krisi around in some way again could be what I need.  As she puts it, we are in many ways estranged…how I choose to look at that is Krisi is a neutral third-party.  Being upfront, that is exactly what I need right now.  Friendship and having friends is not something I can do, and haven’t really been able to do for a long time.  It comes down to how I’ve read friendship and obligation, in that friendship equals obligation.  I think that it is safe to say that my view on friendship has contributed heavily into my current mental state.  I have never handled obligation or having obligations well.  Things that you ‘should’, ‘must’, and ‘have to’ do have never sat well with me.  In some ways obligations and the enforcement of obligations runs completely counter to democratic values.

That is not to say that people shouldn’t take responsibility for their actions, and be mindful of others, because I do think that those ideals should be encouraged and nurtured.  Democracy should be about encouragement instead of enforcement.  And frankly, I am done with ‘social totalitarianism’ and ‘social dictatorship’.  That is how I see our society going, if it hasn’t already gone there.  Shared social values are supposed to be about fostering co-operation, unity, and harmony; not about control and domination.

I have digressed, but those of you who tune into this blog will already know that I tend to write in an organic, but slightly chaotic way.  I try not to over-think what I have to say, unless I’m making what I see as an important point.  That means that what comes out, comes out, in the order it comes out in.  Like I said, I have digressed.  Having friends did keep the demons at bay, but I did not improve.  I need to say that again;

I.  Did.  Not.  Improve.

It is for that reason and for that reason alone, that my friendships and relationships fell apart, I made them fall apart, or simply ended them outright.  I know that what I am about to say is cold, but it is true to where I am at.  What is the point of having friends if my life doesn’t improve as a result?  What is the purpose of having friendships that don’t enrich and give meaning to life?  Well, there isn’t obviously.  Especially if I view something as potentially special and worthwhile as friendships with the contempt that I am currently feeling.  And I think it is on that point that reinforces why going it alone is so important for me right now.  It could be the most important thing that I have done for myself to date.

For those of you who aren’t sure about what I am getting at, ask yourself this, would you be friends with someone who has nothing but utter contempt for people regardless of whether they’ve even done anything to that person, including you?

You wouldn’t, would you.

More importantly, nor should you.  I don’t judge you for thinking that, why would I?  The reality is that I’ve been painting everyone with the same black brush for so long that it has gone well past being a defence mechanism, to being completely systemic.  I think that it is important that I say that I am a toxic person.  But here’s the irony to that story, people have kept me around for those good moments when I’m out of my head and have temporarily moved past my utter contempt of humanity, and show that more gentle and thoughtful part of who I am.  Don’t get me wrong, sharing that with people is a wonderful thing, but those moments are becoming rarer and rarer, but more importantly it tends to be taken for granted by others.  That irony aside, the fact that I am ultimately toxic, should have given people pause much earlier in the piece.  Realistically, I should have been sent packing a very long time ago, and in many ways that is why I’ve taken charge of the situation and gone it alone.  Why?  Because people in a general way have ultimately trivialised that gentle and thoughtful part of my nature because of their own selfish needs and wants.

I have argued with many people over the years about this.  If what I have to offer is so fucking special, and so fucking wonderful, then why in fucks’ name is it not cherished, respected, or appreciated?

I think that part of it stems from my blatantly rejecting peoples’ attempts at ‘rewarding’ me for my efforts.  For a long time I have taken attempts at rewarding my efforts as attempts at blackmail or leverage.  And in many circumstances that has been the case.  I am not interested in giving a Pavlovian response for your own selfish ends.  I am not Pavlovs’ Dog.  As a result, I guess you could say that I have contributed to people being selfish and self-centred with me.  And to be fair, I have been dismissive of even a simple token of appreciation like a thank-you in the past.  So that means, that people are just going to get what they want out of me and move on.  Realistically, I have contributed to the current situation as much as others have.  But, I won’t accept full and total responsibility for where things are at.  There are those of you that may disagree, and that is fine.

The simple truth is that I should have walked years ago.

I guess the reason that I ultimately didn’t is because I knew what I was sitting on, and case in point, since I’ve gone it alone, it has all come crashing in on me from all sides.  The monsters and demons didn’t like being locked away, and they’re out of blood.  It’s pretty ironic that I’ve been out for blood for a long time in the outside world, and now I’m out for blood within myself.  My main concern is that it spills out into the world, because it is already shaping up to be brutal and very messy.  All my cows have come home, and they’re fucking pissed!  In an attempt to lighten the mood I am tempted to play “Cows With Guns” at this point, but well…it’s poor timing.

I’m not as funny as I think I am.

The question is, what do I do with my new found freedom once I get things more under control inside myself?  The thing is I don’t really know, because what I am facing presently is akin to an emotional meat-grinder.  Yes, there is a battle that needs to be fought, but because I don’t handle emotions well, and more importantly have bottled them up so heavily for so long, it’s going to be hard to set up rules or engagement, or the emotional equivalent of The Geneva Convention within myself.

Like I said, it’s going to be an emotional meat-grinder in these still early stages.

I dunno, maybe I’m trying to sound tough, which I know is not a good fit for me.  An ex-friend once told me that the alpha-male mentality is not a good fit for me, and she was right, as much as I hate admitting to that.  Being honest, I’m scared of what is to come, and it’s looking like a long road to amnesty within myself.

I guess that moving forward I have many questions, and few answers.  Some would argue that point, but for what reason I’m not sure.  I guess my contemptuous attitude towards people is directed particularly at those people who would challenge how I feel, just because they can, and think that they are doing better in life than I am, which somehow makes them an authority on life.

Having a good life handed to you on a silver platter just because you turned up does not make you an authority on life, and never will.  Frankly, the people that have tended to lecture me the most on life are the ones who haven’t earned what they have through actual hard work or effort, but have been spoon-fed their so-called perfect little lives because they have joined the ‘social dictatorship’ that is our society and its’ fake values.

Is it sour grapes on my part?  Absolutely!

The truth is I have felt for a long time that I am required to do better, for half as much, and still be expected to be grateful.

My counter-argument is this – if I am truly capable of better, shouldn’t I be rewarded better?  More importantly, don’t I have the fucking right to stipulate what actually constitutes a reward and what doesn’t?

I have a right to a say, don’t I?

The irony is, that I might actually ask for less than people might think, who knows?

Anyways, I think I might wrap this up…unfortunately I am going around in circles, which while it isn’t what I had in mind, simply is what it is, and I need to accept that.