Part Seventeen – The Hamster Wheel.

Things didn’t work out with Facebook.  Am I surprised?  Not really.  But, what happened during my time on Facebook happened, and couldn’t have happened any other way.  While I want to say that I saw it coming from a mile away, I do need to consider that I pre-empted things not working out.

Hence the title.

For those of you who have tuned into this blog over the past eighteen or so months, you’ve probably noticed the cyclical nature of my mental health.  And just like a hamster wheel it goes around in circles, not going anywhere.

Question is, how do I break that cycle?  Or at the very least, how do I lengthen the amount of time between cycles?

It’s funny, I’m finding it really hard to think critically at the moment, and I’m not really sure what to make of it.

Maybe I’m just tapped out and spent at the moment.  But, it is possible that I’ve been tapped out for a while and didn’t even notice or realise.

Regardless of when I tapped myself out, or the how and why, I need to try and push myself through and maybe get something out of all this.

Being honest, it really doesn’t take much for me to walk away from things.  In fact, I don’t think that most people truly understand how little it takes for me to cut my losses and walk, from virtually EVERYTHING.

Starting with the most obvious reason, my walking away is a defence mechanism, no surprises there.  The reasons beyond that I’m not as sure about.  What I’ve been getting while I’m sitting here trying to get my thoughts down is frustratingly jumbled and confused.

Now that I’ve thought about it further, I get how disjointed this looks from the outside, the other reasons are irrelevant because the simply underpin my walking away from things as a defence mechanism.

Unfortunately, it isn’t the right time for me to try and work through my defence mechanism complex.  However, it is the right time for me to look at something that could contribute to that goal.

I need to think more SLOWLY.

I had this brainwave while I was trying to work out other reasons for walking away from things with virtually no provocation.

I need to think more slowly.  I need to take my time.  I’m not in a race.  And if I am, who the hell am I racing against and for what?

Being conceited, I have an incredible mind, and I always have.

BUT.

I don’t really know how to put it to good use, and more importantly if I can’t think clearly because I’m stressed or emotional, it just gets away from me and I self-destruct.

With that in mind, why am I in such a hurry?

Why am I racing against myself?  I don’t benefit from doing so, why am I doing it?

Why am I racing against others?  Again, I don’t benefit from doing so, why am I doing it?

I guess the honest answer is to get the current thing that is most likely going to suck out of the way, so that I can move onto the next thing that is going to suck, and then the one after that.

Taking these things into consideration, thinking more slowly will at the very least lengthen the cycle with my mental health.  It will also potentially give me some down-time between things that suck.

Yes, taking the attitude that things are going to suck regardless isn’t a healthy attitude to take, but that’s a problem for another time.

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