I wish I was dead, and ironically I’m too scared to even admit to that openly, and what it could mean by admitting to it. I’m shaking and shivering right now, it’s the closest that I get to any kind of catharsis.
I wish I could cry, just to let it out. Even if that means that I can’t stop.
I’m trying to convince myself that it’s OK, that I need to cry, but the tears simply won’t come easily.
That aside, I need to try and let it happen, because I’m at the end of the road here. I’m sitting staring at my screen and basically encouraging myself to let it happen.
It’s not easy, the best I can manage is have my eyes tear up. But I want to feel them run down my face. I never thought that I would admit to that openly, but I actually do.
I’ve locked up all the pain, anger, hate, rage, disappointment, sadness, and hurt for too long. I know that I swore to myself that I would never cry again, but look where that got me.
I’m trying to bring up painful memories to help things along, but to no avail.
I’m even trying to convince myself that I don’t have anything to prove, there’s no-one in the room but myself, and apart from anyone else that reads this, no-one is really going to know about it.
Not quite able to get there. But in spite of that, the suicidal thoughts are back down to a more manageable level – in the back of my mind, instead of hammering at me.
For those of you reading this, who are concerned about me taking my life, I’ve got things back under better control, the shaking and shivering has subsided. I guess I did find a small amount of catharsis in the end.
So, for now at least I’m able to keep myself safe.