Part Twelve – Darkest Hour (Explicit Content)

You know, if I was better at laughing at myself, I would laugh at the title because every time I get really low it is my ‘darkest hour’.  I’ve had so many ‘darkest hours’, that I’ve lost track.

I really need to learn how to laugh at myself, I’m my own comedian, with an audience of one.

Realistically, the sooner I learn to laugh at and with myself, the better.  After all, everyone else has been laughing at me for years – sadistic c**ts, so learning to laugh at myself will definitely soften the blow on that front.

Obviously, I’m pretty low at the moment.  Managed to hit a new low with people, the charity I was volunteering with blatantly lied to my face, and fucked me over with the small amount of paid work they offered me.  They only owe me forty bucks, but it’s magically disappeared because my first ‘shift’ retrospectively became an unpaid work trial, which is basically illegal here in Australia.  My head is still spinning with that one.

Remember my mentioning Krisi – I went to high school with her, and she reached out around a month ago.  That didn’t work out either.  But, I’m able to concede a few things on that one.  The big one being that she made it clear at the start that she didn’t expect a reply from me.  That is probably where I went wrong on that front.  In addition, I encouraged her to be herself, which I didn’t want in the end.  She is outgoing, and I’m obviously not.  She emotionally invests in people, which is something I absolutely hate on virtually every level.

The important thing I’m trying to take away from all of that is that my meaning well and saying the ‘right’ thing in the moment is all well and good, but ultimately I cannot actually deliver on what I say, as well meant as it is.  Fortunately, during my latest batch of self-destruction I was able to recognise that this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened, it’s actually part of a well established pattern that stretches all the way back to high school.

Ultimately, I don’t mean what I say.

Put simply, I’m really fucking insincere.

In terms of my insincerity, that also has its’ roots in high school.  Should I try to explore that?  If I was purely listening to what other people think, then yes, I probably should.  But, it’s not about them, is it.  It’s about me, and besides I have a counselling appointment in a few hours, so I’ll raise it then.  I also need to try and get some sleep because I haven’t slept yet.

Changing topics, I need to actually get on track with my original game plan – being a loner.  I’ve allowed myself to be taken off task, which is frankly unacceptable.  With that in mind the only thing that really needs to change in my life on a basic level is finding some stable work – around fifteen hours a week.  Apart from the obvious increase in income, working could provide a social outlet that I probably need, and I really fucking hate admitting to that.  My main concern is that it could affect my ability to be professional, I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Anyways, I’m losing my train of thought, and I need to try to get some sleep.





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