Part Nine – Chasing Better (Explicit Content)

No man is an island.  I have heard that line so many times over the years.  I usually hear it when I’m being a loner, or am determined to go it alone, and an outside party is equally as determined to stop me.

Question is, why are they doing that?  In some ways I know, and in other ways I don’t.  Before I continue, those words – no man is an island/no-one is an island, ring so hollow and empty that I don’t understand why the people who have said those words to me, insist on saying those words to me.

I guess the question that raises its’ head the most in response to ‘no man is an island’ is, why is that such a problem?  I do not recall at any time being told that keeping to myself, or being an ‘island’ was an unacceptable course of action.  I was never told that being an ‘island’ was immoral or unethical.  I was never told that society would not ever tolerate my being an ‘island’.  And yet, that is exactly the attitude I receive from people who spout that hollow platitude at me, because it aligns with their fake values, and because I’m apparently a threat to their fake values.

So, to those people who believe so strongly that no man is an island, that it is at the expense of the person you’ve arbitrarily spouted those empty words on, purely for your own self-gratification, I have this to say to you.

Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

The reason that I want to be an island is because of people like you.  People who are motivated by self interest to the point that it violates the help they think that they are rendering to me.  One of the reasons I have walked away is because of people just like you and your hollow platitudes designed to boost your own ego and nothing else.  So, at the risk of repeating myself.

Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

I am an island.  Deal with it.  More importantly, I am an island to get away from people like you.  In addition, I am an island to minimise the impact of where I am at on others.  It’s bad enough that I am where I am at, but having where I am at impacting so heavily on others to then have those people take it back out on me is just adding to the problem.  It adds to the problem because of having to just deal with my own bullshit, I have to not only deal with other peoples’ bullshit, but have to take ‘responsibility’ for my end of that.  Get it through your thick fucking heads, I am an island for a fucking reason!  Don’t have anything to do with me, I’ll even be grateful, I absolutely will!  So, again…

Go.  Fuck.  Yourself.

My borders are closed.  The guard towers are fully manned and operational, and have permission to ‘shoot on sight’.  You are not welcome, but more importantly you should never have been made welcome.  Ever.  If you don’t want the emotional equivalent of multiple high-powered sniper rounds through the head.  Just leave me be.  But, there is an upside.  You leave me alone, I leave you alone.  Simple.

End rant.

Ugh, for those of you who have been tuning in, I am sorry that you had to see that…regrettably it had to be done.  It needed to be said, and it really sucks that I get so aggressive, but more importantly that you had to see it.  I want those of you who have tuned into my posts over the last eight or so months, I do appreciate your support.  I also hope that my perspective on having mental illness has been thought provoking and ultimately useful.  If only one sentence from one post gives just one reader something to think about that leads to something, then mission accomplished.

Moving on, in the four months since my social suicide and new-found freedom, I’ve been looking for better, I’ve been chasing better – hence the title.  Unfortunately, I’m not off to a good start, at least it feels that way.  The reason for that is that my current situation is all on me.  I no longer have friends that keep the demons at bay, either directly or indirectly.  But, that was the point of finally going it alone.  Well…that’s not one hundred percent true.  I did keep one person in my life, he is in just as bad a place as I am, but for different reasons.  In some ways we were good for each other, and in other ways we weren’t.  Ultimately, I stuck around for him, but I can’t do it anymore and had to cut him from my life as well.

Then in a strange irony, someone who I went to high school with reached out via my last blog post a week or two ago.  It would seem that I can’t disconnect as much as I would like, but then again having Krisi around in some way again could be what I need.  As she puts it, we are in many ways estranged…how I choose to look at that is Krisi is a neutral third-party.  Being upfront, that is exactly what I need right now.  Friendship and having friends is not something I can do, and haven’t really been able to do for a long time.  It comes down to how I’ve read friendship and obligation, in that friendship equals obligation.  I think that it is safe to say that my view on friendship has contributed heavily into my current mental state.  I have never handled obligation or having obligations well.  Things that you ‘should’, ‘must’, and ‘have to’ do have never sat well with me.  In some ways obligations and the enforcement of obligations runs completely counter to democratic values.

That is not to say that people shouldn’t take responsibility for their actions, and be mindful of others, because I do think that those ideals should be encouraged and nurtured.  Democracy should be about encouragement instead of enforcement.  And frankly, I am done with ‘social totalitarianism’ and ‘social dictatorship’.  That is how I see our society going, if it hasn’t already gone there.  Shared social values are supposed to be about fostering co-operation, unity, and harmony; not about control and domination.

I have digressed, but those of you who tune into this blog will already know that I tend to write in an organic, but slightly chaotic way.  I try not to over-think what I have to say, unless I’m making what I see as an important point.  That means that what comes out, comes out, in the order it comes out in.  Like I said, I have digressed.  Having friends did keep the demons at bay, but I did not improve.  I need to say that again;

I.  Did.  Not.  Improve.

It is for that reason and for that reason alone, that my friendships and relationships fell apart, I made them fall apart, or simply ended them outright.  I know that what I am about to say is cold, but it is true to where I am at.  What is the point of having friends if my life doesn’t improve as a result?  What is the purpose of having friendships that don’t enrich and give meaning to life?  Well, there isn’t obviously.  Especially if I view something as potentially special and worthwhile as friendships with the contempt that I am currently feeling.  And I think it is on that point that reinforces why going it alone is so important for me right now.  It could be the most important thing that I have done for myself to date.

For those of you who aren’t sure about what I am getting at, ask yourself this, would you be friends with someone who has nothing but utter contempt for people regardless of whether they’ve even done anything to that person, including you?

You wouldn’t, would you.

More importantly, nor should you.  I don’t judge you for thinking that, why would I?  The reality is that I’ve been painting everyone with the same black brush for so long that it has gone well past being a defence mechanism, to being completely systemic.  I think that it is important that I say that I am a toxic person.  But here’s the irony to that story, people have kept me around for those good moments when I’m out of my head and have temporarily moved past my utter contempt of humanity, and show that more gentle and thoughtful part of who I am.  Don’t get me wrong, sharing that with people is a wonderful thing, but those moments are becoming rarer and rarer, but more importantly it tends to be taken for granted by others.  That irony aside, the fact that I am ultimately toxic, should have given people pause much earlier in the piece.  Realistically, I should have been sent packing a very long time ago, and in many ways that is why I’ve taken charge of the situation and gone it alone.  Why?  Because people in a general way have ultimately trivialised that gentle and thoughtful part of my nature because of their own selfish needs and wants.

I have argued with many people over the years about this.  If what I have to offer is so fucking special, and so fucking wonderful, then why in fucks’ name is it not cherished, respected, or appreciated?

I think that part of it stems from my blatantly rejecting peoples’ attempts at ‘rewarding’ me for my efforts.  For a long time I have taken attempts at rewarding my efforts as attempts at blackmail or leverage.  And in many circumstances that has been the case.  I am not interested in giving a Pavlovian response for your own selfish ends.  I am not Pavlovs’ Dog.  As a result, I guess you could say that I have contributed to people being selfish and self-centred with me.  And to be fair, I have been dismissive of even a simple token of appreciation like a thank-you in the past.  So that means, that people are just going to get what they want out of me and move on.  Realistically, I have contributed to the current situation as much as others have.  But, I won’t accept full and total responsibility for where things are at.  There are those of you that may disagree, and that is fine.

The simple truth is that I should have walked years ago.

I guess the reason that I ultimately didn’t is because I knew what I was sitting on, and case in point, since I’ve gone it alone, it has all come crashing in on me from all sides.  The monsters and demons didn’t like being locked away, and they’re out of blood.  It’s pretty ironic that I’ve been out for blood for a long time in the outside world, and now I’m out for blood within myself.  My main concern is that it spills out into the world, because it is already shaping up to be brutal and very messy.  All my cows have come home, and they’re fucking pissed!  In an attempt to lighten the mood I am tempted to play “Cows With Guns” at this point, but well…it’s poor timing.

I’m not as funny as I think I am.

The question is, what do I do with my new found freedom once I get things more under control inside myself?  The thing is I don’t really know, because what I am facing presently is akin to an emotional meat-grinder.  Yes, there is a battle that needs to be fought, but because I don’t handle emotions well, and more importantly have bottled them up so heavily for so long, it’s going to be hard to set up rules or engagement, or the emotional equivalent of The Geneva Convention within myself.

Like I said, it’s going to be an emotional meat-grinder in these still early stages.

I dunno, maybe I’m trying to sound tough, which I know is not a good fit for me.  An ex-friend once told me that the alpha-male mentality is not a good fit for me, and she was right, as much as I hate admitting to that.  Being honest, I’m scared of what is to come, and it’s looking like a long road to amnesty within myself.

I guess that moving forward I have many questions, and few answers.  Some would argue that point, but for what reason I’m not sure.  I guess my contemptuous attitude towards people is directed particularly at those people who would challenge how I feel, just because they can, and think that they are doing better in life than I am, which somehow makes them an authority on life.

Having a good life handed to you on a silver platter just because you turned up does not make you an authority on life, and never will.  Frankly, the people that have tended to lecture me the most on life are the ones who haven’t earned what they have through actual hard work or effort, but have been spoon-fed their so-called perfect little lives because they have joined the ‘social dictatorship’ that is our society and its’ fake values.

Is it sour grapes on my part?  Absolutely!

The truth is I have felt for a long time that I am required to do better, for half as much, and still be expected to be grateful.

My counter-argument is this – if I am truly capable of better, shouldn’t I be rewarded better?  More importantly, don’t I have the fucking right to stipulate what actually constitutes a reward and what doesn’t?

I have a right to a say, don’t I?

The irony is, that I might actually ask for less than people might think, who knows?

Anyways, I think I might wrap this up…unfortunately I am going around in circles, which while it isn’t what I had in mind, simply is what it is, and I need to accept that.


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