Part Eight – The Truth Of It.

My name is Aaron Konrad Reisch, and I am a ghost.  Metaphorically speaking, I am dead, I died yesterday, I no longer exist.  It is hard to describe what I am feeling right now, but it is safe to say that I am feeling pretty numb at the moment, as a result of my “social suicide”.  It has been a very long and slow death, but I have finally done it.  I have finally disconnected from what I used to hold dear, but what had ultimately been holding me back, and preventing me from healing and getting better.  I am finally free.
The truth of it is that I have not been able to maintain relationships for a very long time, and even with those relationships I have been keeping on life support, it has been a struggle to even keep them going at all.
The truth of it is that I do not even want to have friends anymore, because I cannot process people caring about me.  I do firmly believe that people caring about me is about them, and that it ultimately is not actually about me in any way.
The truth of it is that I actually find people not liking me, or caring about me easier to process than when people do.  If I actually knew why that was the case, then I probably would not be in the situation that I am currently in, where I have rejected and disposed of that which I used to hold dear.
The truth of it is that for me friendship without freedom is worthless.  I know that some would argue that freedom without friendship is just as worthless.  However, I strongly disagree.  I disagree because I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, including making friends, if I see fit.  Whereas given how I am feeling presently, maintaining friendships and relationships is like having a noose around my neck and has been slowly killing me emotionally and spiritually.  When a friendship or relationship becomes more important than the people who are a part of it, then it has completely missed the point.
Ask yourself this; what would you give in the name of your own freedom?  Especially if it is under threat, or in extreme circumstances completely suppressed and denied?  People have fought and died for their freedom throughout history, with their struggle for freedom being measured in blood and lives given.  In my case, my fight for freedom can be measured in hurt feelings and broken hearts.  While I do ultimately believe that the ends do not justify the means, in the case of freedom what price is actually too high?
I will ask you again; what would you give in the name of your own freedom?   What would you give in the pursuit of that freedom?  What price would you pay to gain that freedom?
With all of that in mind, here is the irony if it all.  In a democratically free society, freedom is a birthright.  We are free people from the day we are born, right up until the day we die.  At least we are supposed to be.
In reality we are not free, hence my struggle.  But for me the tyranny that I have been fighting against has not come from an oppressive government or a form of dictatorship.  The tyranny I have been fighting against has been far more subtle, and therefore even more insidious than any form of dictatorship.  The tyranny I have been fighting against for most of my life has been of a social and emotional nature.
I have been fighting against social and emotional tyranny, and like I said before, it is far more insidious than any form of dictatorship.  Why?  It is my strict opinion that the social and emotional tyranny that allegedly holds our society together is the very thing that is crushing the life out of, and breaking the spirits of, the very people that it claims to be trying to unite and foster co-operation and harmony between.  The very thing that is supposed to keep our society cohesive and united, is in reality the very thing that is slowly crushing the human spirit.
Before I continue, I need to digress a little.  I am not saying that social conventions and moral codes of conduct are in any way wrong or; being extreme; the root of the evils in our society.  I am not saying that in any way.  In fact I do passionately believe that social conventions and moral codes of conduct have their place.  They absolutely do.  But with that in mind, my question is this.
When social conventions and moral codes of conduct directly interfere with the personal freedoms that they are there to arugably protect, has the point of having those conventions and standards been completely lost?
I think that it has.
Hence my struggle.
But I have digressed enough, back to the point I have been building up to.
I never asked for people to believe in me.   I never asked for people to care about me.  I never asked for people to want to be my friend.  I never asked for people to want to have me in their lives.  Those choices were choices that they made.  I had absolutely no say in those choices being made.  But, I was held responsible for those choices.  I was held responsible and accountable for the choices that other people made.  I have been held accountable for letting people down and disappointing them.  This goes well beyond being held accountable for my actions; I do not pretend that I have made far too many bad choices in my life; I have not only been held accountable for my actions, but also for the disappointments of others, given that they think I am better and more capable than I actually am.  More importantly, they have severely over-valued, and therefore trivialised the best parts of who I am.  They have over-valued, and therefore trivialised all I can be, and all I could have been because they allegedly cared.  In fact they have cared so much, that it has crushed my spirit.
Ask yourself this, if you care so much about something that you are willing to destroy it because you care, do you even care at all?  I think not, because it is about you.  Not the thing you care about.
This is unacceptable.
Enough is enough.
And, it ends now.
This has been my struggle.  This is the social and emotional tyranny I have been talking about.  My right to freedom, which is a democratic birthright, has been violated for the sake of others.  This is how I see it.  Because of this, my mental health has been adversely affected.  I will no longer allow my mental health to be violated in the name of the selfish needs of others.  If the price I have to pay for my freedom, and ultimately the improvement of my mental health, is to live a fairly solitary life, then I will pay that price in full.  End of story.
My name is Aaron Konrad Reisch, and I am a ghost.  For most people; on a social and emotional level; I do not exist.  I have chosen this life because of you, your selfish needs, and your trivialisation of the best of who I am and who I could be.  I reveal myself when I want, where I want, to whomever I want.  If you don’t like it, too bad.
After all, I have tried playing by your rules.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
If you don’t like that outcome, do what I am trying to do.
Change the game.
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