I know it’s been a while since I’ve made a post. It’d be great if I was able to report some good news. Unfortunately, this is not the case. So, does this mean I have bad news? Not really. But it does mean that I haven’t improved, which sucks. Moving away from that, I’ve started schema therapy with my counsellor…I won’t go into details as to how it works, or what is involved, because I can’t be fucked. But seriously, look it up, if you’re curious.
Anyways, one of the big things that has come up at this early stage of schema therapy is that I am basically avoiding life, and ultimately when that doesn’t work I essentially give up and surrender to whatever is going on around me, to simply get it over and done with.
Suffice to say, I am basically AVOIDING EVERYTHING. I am AVOIDING LIFE. In the truest sense of those words, I am avoiding life. Why? I simply cannot deal with it. I cannot cope with it. I cannot process it.
To further reinforce this, I do feel that there is very little, if not absolutely nothing waiting for me on the other side. So much so that even on the rare occasions that I do manage to persevere and push through, I ultimately have close to nothing to show for my efforts.
I need to stress at this point that this is how I feel. Whether it is actually true or not is completely irrelevant.
Moving on from that, I think I need to clarify what I am thinking about all of this at the moment. Being honest, saying that I am avoiding life is not accurate…but it is a stepping stone to what is actually going on. The simple truth is this, I avoid how I feel, at all times. When I say that I am avoiding life, I actually mean that I am avoiding emotions, that I am avoiding how I feel. I avoid how I feel, about what I feel what I am feeling about, when I feel what I feel about it. Avoiding life is the SYMPTOM. Avoiding emotions is the CAUSE.
Avoiding my emotions is the cause.
I’ll admit that I am feeling like shit right now, but it is important that I do this, especially given that I don’t try, then I definitely won’t improve.
Before I press on, I do firmly believe that doing the opposite is not necessarily the solution. With that in mind, I know that the wider community does not understand this. Should people with depression and mental illness try and confront what troubles them? Of course they should. However, it should be stressed that opening up about everything and tackling all of what troubles you head-on is not guaranteed to be the solution. In my opinion, and a very strong one at that, it is just as likely to burn the person out and make them worse, as it could be successful. This is something that the wider community does not get. It is a double-edged sword. If there is only one thing that people take away from this post, I want it to be this paragraph. I do not expect people to necessarily agree with what I have said, just give it some thought.
I’m going to leave it there for now, basically because I’ve lost my train of thought, but more importantly because even though I really should be trying to write, my interest level is very low.