Part Six – Positive Ownership, sort of. (Explicit Content)

In the wake of my last post, I will be trying to embrace the better parts of my nature.  For those of you who have tuned in before, it’s clear that I’m a negative person.  For those of you tuning in for the first time, I’m a negative person…it’s just where I am at.

Because of this, looking at myself in a more positive light isn’t as easy as I would like it to be.  But if it was, then I probably wouldn’t have depression in the first place, and I would be able to manage my having autism better.  I know that I’m procrastinating, and my main reason for stalling is that for me being positive about myself just doesn’t sit right.  It doesn‘t compute.  In many ways, it feels arrogant and conceited, and I can be arrogant enough without feeding that particular beast.  As strange as it sounds I have a lot of negative experiences around being ‘positive’, with most of those experiences revolving around some self-serving f**kwit trying to give me a pep-talk (lecture).

Moving away from that, I won’t call it ‘being positive’, instead I’ll just simply be honest with myself, and with you.  So, we’ve got the game plan…let’s crack on.

I’m intelligent, end of story.  I would like to think that I couldn’t have the insights I have, or be able to see an issue from multiple angles if I was an idiot.  The big problem that I have with being intelligent is that I find it incredibly challenging to put it to good use, especially for and in a society that in my honest opinion does not respect or ultimately value intelligence.  After all, if there is little to no value in putting my mind to better use, why should I be expected to f**king do it!  In spite of being intelligent, I’m a real scatterbrain.  I do dumb shit.  Not all the time, but often enough, that it’s worth mentioning.  The funny thing about it all is, that in the short moments after doing something really dumb, or really stupid, I realise how dumb and stupid what I just did actually was.  And thankfully in these moments, I can actually laugh about it on occasion, which is a good thing.

With that kind of thing in mind, I have a fantastic sense of humour.  I’ll admit that it makes me smile thinking about it because it ranges from dorky to dark and twisted.  My sense of humour has probably saved me more than I’m able to acknowledge readily.  As a side note, I snort when I laugh.  And it’s not a little snort either, it’s a big one, kind of like a foghorn on a cargo ship.

I care.  In spite of my scathing and nasty judgement of society and everything in it, I do actually care.  There a few things that I hate more than seeing injustice and unfairness in the world, especially considering that for the most part, it is completely unnecessary but also contributes to further injustices and unfairness.  Being autistic and having depression for so long, I understand how soul-destroying it can be, and I hate seeing other people getting low.  I generally try to help people with that, unless I’m too inside my head to be helpful, because I do know where it eventually leads.

I’m responsible.  This is generally in spite of where I am at, but also contingent of how bad a place I’m in on any given moment.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m perfectly capable of making sound decisions.  I’m kind of struggling to get thoughts down, I know what I mean, but I’m finding it hard to communicate it.

I think it’s important that I share what I want to say next before I wrap this post up, because I’ve hit a dead end.  All my posts prior to this one have been written in one go for the most part.  Sure I’ve taken short breaks during writing to help order my thoughts, but all the posts until this one have been done in one hit.

With this post, I started it a couple of days ago, but got side-tracked, so as a result I have stalled.  I’m pretty sure I need to write, but frustratingly, I’m not feeling it.

I would like to point out, that currently, my sleeping patterns are really bad again, they’re generally not great anyway, but at the moment, they’re worse than usual.

I’m trying to remind myself that I am improving, but I really don’t feel like I’m getting any traction at the moment.  The more frustrating part is that I don’t really feel worked up or manic, so I guess I feel a little confused on that front.

So, new plan…gonna hit-up Mensline here in Australia, see where talking it out a bit gets me.


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