Part Four – Setting Myself Free

I’m a social outcast.  I live on the fringes of society.  I’m a freak, and an oddity.  Strong words, to be sure, but that is how I feel.  In a society that is supposed to pride itself on the rights and freedoms of the individual, I basically have none.  Sure, I can be welcomed into society for the most part, but on its’ terms, and the terms of people who are a part of it.  I do not get a say, and most importantly of all, it is NOT ON MY TERMS.

It is important, that I qualify this a little further.  The reason I consider myself an outcast and a social fringe dweller is because of how I see myself, but also how I see society as a whole.  Yes, I do get that flatly being negative is more than most people will be able to tolerate or process.  I’d like to think that I’m not that naïve.  However, in saying that I firmly believe that being cast out just because of how I see things causing friction or bringing other peoples’ values into question; which is definitely not my intention; is purely about maintaining the status quo.  It is NOT about me trying to better my situation, or even heading vaguely in the direction of self-acceptance or self-empowerment.  Yes, I am a very negative person, but if I’m not permitted to even be negative, where the hell am I supposed to start?

Being blunt, if how I view myself and the world has the potential to so easily upset the balance of the status quo, and peoples’ place within it, then perhaps status quo values are as much a part of the problem, as how I see things, if you were to view it from the outside looking in.  If the status quo is such a delicate and precarious balance, then just maybe there is little to no value in even being a part of it in the first place.  How am I supposed to find self-acceptance and gain self-empowerment under such a strict and narrow framework?  Under different circumstances, wouldn’t status quo values be considered to be a form of tyranny?  Wouldn’t it be considered to be totalitarian and authoritarian?

Sure, the status quo wants me to find some self-acceptance and be more empowered, but providing it and the people involved are in control.  Providing the status quo is in the drivers’ seat, and I am basically a passenger in my own life.  Two words spring to mind that sum this up perfectly.

Conditional empowerment.

The sad thing about this, and what hurts the most, is that if I was empowered, I wouldn’t feel the need to attack the status quo.  It is my firm belief that empowered people ultimately see things for how they are, and what they are.  They call a spade a spade.

If I was more empowered I would like to think I would genuinely respect and accept peoples’ right to live their lives how they see fit within the framework of the status quo.  If I was empowered I might find it easier to interact with the status quo better, so that I could make some kind of contribution and ideally gain something in return.  If I was empowered I would be able to treat the whole thing as simply an exchange or transaction, but without the vehement attitude that I currently harbour towards the status quo, and society as a whole.

As things currently stand, it can’t be done.  I am not welcome, and I don’t want to even try.

No more.  This ends now.

I need to at least try and set myself free from this prison that is crushing my spirit and destroying me.

I need to be free, but I need somewhere to start from.

I need to take ownership of where I am at, and how I feel.

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