In the wake of my first blog post, where I talked about rejection and failure, I got to thinking about the interconnectivity of my emotions. More importantly, HOW interconnected my emotions actually are, especially on the negative side of the emotional spectrum.
With that in mind I started with my anger. It is such an obvious place to start, because I’m so intimately familiar with it. I spend a lot of time being angry; angry with myself, angry at the world, and if I’m not angry in the moment then I find something to be angry about. I need to reiterate one of the final points in my last post.
I feel like I’m doing something wrong, I’ve messed with my sense of ‘normal’, if I’m not angry.
My anger has become such a core part of who I am, there are days that I feel as though that is all I am. This really does show how atrociously my mental health has been managed over the years. More importantly, when I have gone into the counselling room all I have done is talk about how angry I am, instead of considering what that anger might be sitting on, or fed by. It has been touched on by counsellors over the years, but I think it is apparent that I was unable and/or unwilling to even try to explore it. Put simply, I was not ready. But, being realistic is anyone every truly ready to confront stuff like this? My money is on ‘no’, but I can easily concede that I could be wrong about that.
Given that I’m already thinking about interconnectivity, it isn’t much of a stretch to treat all of this as a web of emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Working within that, you could say that my anger is the big, fat, over-fed spider in the middle. Before I continue, it is important for me to note that my anger, as toxic as it is, is nothing more than a symptom of emotions, feelings, and thoughts that I have not confronted, accepted, or made peace with. Thinking on that, the cause is how my emotions, feelings, and thoughts are feeding my anger.
Considering this, what I really need to start trying to do is….
Stop feeding my anger, stop feeding that big, fat spider so freaking much!
After my last post, in combination with some light research, and considering bits and pieces that have been said recently, I decided to look at what my anger is sitting on, and being fed by. Frustratingly, one of the answers has been staring me in the face for a very long time.
My fear is most likely the biggest culprit for that big, fat spider being over-fed for so many years. But, I haven’t been able to confront it. After all, what do you have to be afraid of if you can scare it away by yelling at it? Things can’t hurt you if you push it away, or run away from at it, then yell at it from a distance.
The simple fact is that I live in a constant state of fear, and on really bad days I live in a state of panic and near terror. I am fearful and scared of almost everything, regardless of how irrational or unjustified it even is in the first place. Even though it is overwhelming, I need to try and put those fears down in writing, so that even in the here and now, they have just that little bit less power over me. It’s easier to confront the monsters under your bed if you turn the light on, and call them out so you can look them in the eye. If they’re so big and scary, then they won’t be concerned by you trying to stand up to them, right?
So, naming it and owning it.
I live in fear of rejection and fear of failure. Ironically, I fear success and things getting better, because I’ll have something to lose. I fear loss. I fear my emotions, I fear talking about my emotions, and I fear bottling them up. I fear people, I fear dealing with people, and how they may deal with me. I fear hurting people, and fear being hurt by people. I fear death, but I also fear life, being alive, and even trying to live. I fear the known, and I fear the unknown. I fear control, and I fear being out of control. I fear the predictable, and I fear the unpredictable. I fear the best of myself, and I definitely fear the worst of myself. I fear being open, and I fear being closed off. I fear loneliness, and yet I fear being around people. OK, I’m struggling to think of more, so I’m guessing that might be all of them. I will admit, that some of them don’t quite make sense, but it’s important to not read into that too much at this time. I was trying to let things flow, and reading into it will defeat the purpose of letting it out in the first place.
So yeah, I’m scared of a freaking lot!
It’s funny, I’m feeling pretty spent after letting that all out. I was originally hoping to further explore the web in more detail, but I’m pretty washed out right now. So I don’t forget, I do want to quicky name some of the other things that my anger is being fed by. These include depression, anxiety, and insecurity. I know there were others, but I’ve completely forgotten them!
I think it is safe to say at this point, that even though my anger is the big, fat spider at the centre of the web, it is primarily being fed by fear – hence the title.
Time to rest and reflect.