For those of you wondering “Two posts in one day? OK, then.” This post below was ready to go, because it comes straight from my journal – minus the swearing, I escalate a bit towards the end….
I need to talk about rejection, and I need to talk about it right now. Rejection has played such a massive part in my life that it needs to be explored, especially considering that it is the most likely thing that my anger, hate, and rage is sitting on. Rejection is a foundation, upon which so much is built. In my mind, rejection is inevitable. It is going to happen whether I like it or not. It does not matter who is doing the rejecting and who is being rejected, that is irrelevant. The fact that it’s going to happen, that is relevant.
Rejection is inevitable.
I more or less worked that out pretty early into my teenage years, I just didn’t have that wording for it. And because of this, I almost found it easier to work in the direction of that inevitable conclusion than to try and find an alternative. One way or another, rejection was the outcome, and I guess it was more expedient to get it over with as soon as possible, and move on to the next lot of rejection. I could argue that the thinking behind it was to try and get a break of some kind between each round of rejection. Another argument could be that I got too much of a kick out of the drama, I have been accused of this in the past, so it is a distinct possibility, and I need to accept that.
While the rejection that has ultimately become the toxic cornerstone of my life, I do need to say that rejection does also extend to me rejecting activities, opportunities, and possibilities. I do definitely reject these things, ultimately out of fear and that same sense of inevitability.
In both cases, I feel like there is little point to even try or bother, and when I do, it usually feels misguided, so it is easier to just move towards that inevitable conclusion.
Rejection is inevitable.
Because, failure is inevitable.
I don’t handle failure well. I have never learned how to handle it in a healthy and safe way, more importantly, I have never felt that my failures have been tolerated or accepted from others. That’s where it got toxic. Other people’s atrocious handling of my mistakes, my failures, and failings. In an ideal world people make mistakes and fail at things we throw in some empty and hollow platitudes like “People make mistakes”, and “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again”, and the world moves on. The mistakes are rectified, lessons are learned, and people go back to their business. Not in my world, not now, not ever. If I am incredibly lucky, my mistakes and failures are not tolerated or accepted. That is best case scenario, and given where I am at, I would happily accept that as an improvement. Of course, that does not happen. The usual outcome is pretty scathing from the person or group that my mistakes have affected, or I have let down because of my failings, or failure. It usually devolves into an assault on my character, which solves nothing, accept to make the bastards doing the self-serving ranting about my failures feel good about themselves. It has nothing to do with correction or rectification of a problem, and has everything to do with self-gratifying B.S. In a frustrating twist of irony, those same people who tear me to shreds, or are likely to, are the first to tell me that I am way too hard on myself. I remember someone saying to me once that it was sickening to watch me put myself down.
Big, big, BIG mistake!
Why? You’ve just given me the perfect ammunition to get back at you, that’s why! Putting it simply, I’m going to break myself and you are going to watch me do it! This is what you wanted after all, isn’t it? And so, the cycle begins anew. It’s basically perpetual.
Rejection is inevitable, because failure is inevitable.
And the worst part about all if it, is that it feeds my anger, hate, and rage. This is most likely where the bulk of the food for my anger, hate, and rage comes from. My anger, hate, and rage have gorged themselves in general, but especially on this. This has been the case for two reasons, a consistent food supply, and because it’s loaded with such strong negative emotions it’s nutrient rich. Yes, it’s a sloppy analogy, but it’s the best way to describe it. My anger, hate, and rage have not only been fed consistently, but fed very well. They’ve been fed so well, that it has become systemic. There are days where I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I’m not angry.
That is basically where this cycle has lead me, I feel like I’m doing something wrong, I’ve messed with my sense of ‘normal’, if I’m not angry.
Yeah, I know.
What’s worse, it’s twenty-plus years of this and counting….
Yeah, I know. It is what it is, that’s all I’ve got on that front for now.