Part Eighteen – Thinking More Slowly (Explicit Content)

The conclusion that I reached as a result of my past post is that I need to think more slowly.  I’m not in a race, and realistically I don’t win a prize or a medal for coming to a conclusion in record time.

Being honest, my thinking at warp speed, and generally reaching conclusions faster than most people can comprehend, was something that I could ultimately hold over other peoples’ heads.  It made me better than them.  Basically, I was in a position to treat people how I’ve been treated on far too many occasions.

The more important point is this – I rarely held the fact that I could reach conclusions faster than most people over other peoples’ heads, I kept it up my sleeve so that I could throw it in the face of someone who I felt slighted by.  But the fact that I chose to not use it further reinforced my belief that I was better than most people.

Ultimately, these things added yet more layers to the complex mess that is my defense mechanism complex.

In case there is any confusion as to what I am getting at, virtually EVERYTHING that I do is defensive.  Virtually EVERYTHING that I do is to protect myself from other people and the world at large.  Virtually EVERYTHING that I do is about self preservation, and because of this, there is basically no room for anything else.

There is basically no room for anything else in my life.


Because I’m too busy protecting myself from people and a world that I see, and have seen for a very long time as sinister.  I’m devoting close to all my energy to my defenses.

It’s no way to live, and never will be.

If there is only one thing that people who have tuned in take away from this post, I want it to be this – you can’t live your life if all you do is protect yourself and keep the world at arms length.  Yes, the world is many things, and people are in many ways more lost than ever, but if you have tried to shut the world out completely, as I have tried, the world won’t improve, and you definitely won’t.

I think that I have known this for a while, but I was too scared to admit it.  I was too scared to admit it because I have devoted too many years and too much of myself to something that hasn’t achieved anything except bring more misery and sadness into the world.

Trying to get back on point, for those of you who aren’t convinced about what I am suggesting – opening yourself back up to the world, and asking yourself if I am out of my freaking mind, I do get it.  Even though I will never meet you face to face, and even though I will never have any idea about how your life has panned out up until this point, I do understand.  I understand far better than most because I lived most of my life in pain.  I have lived most of my life in pain, and on many occasions I have inflicted that pain on others, and on some occasions I have enjoyed inflicting that pain on others.

I am outing myself, and putting myself on display, as imperfect as I am to show my sincerity.

I am both saint and sinner, hero and villain, a good person that has done bad things to other people, and a bad person that has done good things for other people.

I hope that proves in some way my sincerity – I am with you, in my own way.  Question my methods if you must, but I implore you to not question my intentions.

Getting back on point, decide for yourself how much or how little you lower your defenses, it is not a decision that I can make for you, nor do I presume that I have the right to decide for you.  As someone who has spent most of their life running their defenses flat-out, I do get it – you have your defenses up for a reason, just as I do.

I would never ask nor insist that you drop your shields and strip off your armour on a whim.  I have no intention of doing that myself, I won’t ask you to do it either.

However, if you’re in any way like me, or your situation is similar; in spite of limited information you have about me; consider the possibility that your resolve on living your life defensively and shutting the world out is wavering.

Mine is.

For those of you I haven’t convinced, I get it.  I appreciate you taking the time to read this far, but you’re free to go, I don’t want to take up any more of your time on something that you’re not going to be receptive to, no judgement on my part.

In the case of those of you who are going to stay, it’s appreciated, and I do hope that this is worthwhile to you.  If I help but one reader with this post, even slightly, that I will consider it a success beyond working things out for myself.

At this point in time I would like to mention how invested I actually am in this particular post.  I generally don’t invest myself in anything, for obvious reasons.  I guess it’s a relief that I can lower my guard even a little and the world doesn’t come to a grinding halt.

Moving forward, you decide how much or how little you will be lowering your defenses, if at all.  One of my biggest gripes; among many; that I have with the world is this fake and false sense of openness that is blatantly promoted and encouraged at the expense of people.  Free speech purely at the expense of people will not drive our society forward, but in truth, holds it back.  It’s for this reason, among others, that I run my defenses flat-out.

Does our society need to have conversations on many subjects.  Absolutely, and it is well overdue.  But for those conversations to occur, and more importantly to have a successful outcome, there needs to be an element of good faith in doing so.  What this means is that while hard questions need to be asked, and hard answers need to be given, surely there is a better way of going about it,  Yes, in a free society people have a right to free speech, but the right to free speech doesn’t give you the right to act like a cunt or an arsehole.  I think that recent political campaigns, the rise of the ‘Alt-Right’, and those who have stood up against it is proof of what happens when free speech is given greater importance than actual people.

Getting back on point, decide for yourself how much you will open up to the world and people in it.  Yes, the world demands so much of our attention these days.  For me it is totally out of control, and unfortunately it is most likely going to get worse before if it gets better.

Decide for yourself how much of what the world thinks that it has to offer is actually worthy of your time and attention.  Even though the world at large can be relentlessly pushy, you have the power to decide for yourself what is and what isn’t worth YOUR time – including this post.

Lowering your defenses is a scary proposition, I’m terrified at the prospect of doing so myself.  But to make the transition a little easier; I am finally getting to my point; slow your thinking down.  I challenge anyone to stand up and say that they can think one hundred percent clearly when their mind is racing.

By slowing your thinking down, I’m hoping that it will be easier to process the world around you, not only for myself, but for you as well, if you feel that it is needed.

Talking about myself, I have always had incredible difficulties processing and dealing with my emotions – it’s one of the reasons I run my defenses at full-tilt.  My defenses are there to not only keep people out, but keep me in.  My emotions make me feel like an out-of-control lunatic.  That is simply how it is.  That is how I feel about it.

That aside, I am close to a completely different person when I am being rational and thoughtful.  I feel like I am in control, and in many ways my emotions don’t even factor into the process.  It is in those instances that my incredible mind is actually useful, as opposed to being a part of the problem.

When I am emotional, my incredible mind joins the party and makes things worse.

I’m hoping that in considering lowering my defenses, that my ability to think more slowly will fill some of the gap left open by dropping my guard, even slightly.

Essentially, I’m considering a switch from an active defense; keeping my guard up all the time; to a more passive one – thinking more slowly, which will hopefully encourage me to think more rationally and clearly.

To that end, I actually have an example of this at work – I hope it is useful.

In many ways my most recent departure from Facebook was inevitable.  But in the past couple of weeks the actual catalyst was my trying to organise my twenty-year high school reunion.  Without going into details, it’s scary how little some people have changed in twenty years, myself included.

Boiling things down, I was too heavily invested in making the night a success to ultimately overcome any resistance that was thrown in my way.

If anything, I am still surprised how invested I actually was.  I definitely wasn’t expecting it, and it wasn’t until I started trying to think more slowly that it came to me.  It was actually while I was writing this post that it dawned on me.

I’m not about to take a victory lap over this, but there are times when the small victories are just as important as the big ones.

The other small victory that I need to mention is that I am more capable of not losing my temper than I think.  Yes, the argument can be made that my bailing on Facebook is akin to me chucking a tantrum, I get that.

However, I counter that argument with this – I didn’t hurl abuse and the kind of foul bile that I know I am more than capable of doing, I did manage to keep it contained for the most part.

Like I said it’s a small victory.


Part Seventeen – The Hamster Wheel.

Things didn’t work out with Facebook.  Am I surprised?  Not really.  But, what happened during my time on Facebook happened, and couldn’t have happened any other way.  While I want to say that I saw it coming from a mile away, I do need to consider that I pre-empted things not working out.

Hence the title.

For those of you who have tuned into this blog over the past eighteen or so months, you’ve probably noticed the cyclical nature of my mental health.  And just like a hamster wheel it goes around in circles, not going anywhere.

Question is, how do I break that cycle?  Or at the very least, how do I lengthen the amount of time between cycles?

It’s funny, I’m finding it really hard to think critically at the moment, and I’m not really sure what to make of it.

Maybe I’m just tapped out and spent at the moment.  But, it is possible that I’ve been tapped out for a while and didn’t even notice or realise.

Regardless of when I tapped myself out, or the how and why, I need to try and push myself through and maybe get something out of all this.

Being honest, it really doesn’t take much for me to walk away from things.  In fact, I don’t think that most people truly understand how little it takes for me to cut my losses and walk, from virtually EVERYTHING.

Starting with the most obvious reason, my walking away is a defence mechanism, no surprises there.  The reasons beyond that I’m not as sure about.  What I’ve been getting while I’m sitting here trying to get my thoughts down is frustratingly jumbled and confused.

Now that I’ve thought about it further, I get how disjointed this looks from the outside, the other reasons are irrelevant because the simply underpin my walking away from things as a defence mechanism.

Unfortunately, it isn’t the right time for me to try and work through my defence mechanism complex.  However, it is the right time for me to look at something that could contribute to that goal.

I need to think more SLOWLY.

I had this brainwave while I was trying to work out other reasons for walking away from things with virtually no provocation.

I need to think more slowly.  I need to take my time.  I’m not in a race.  And if I am, who the hell am I racing against and for what?

Being conceited, I have an incredible mind, and I always have.


I don’t really know how to put it to good use, and more importantly if I can’t think clearly because I’m stressed or emotional, it just gets away from me and I self-destruct.

With that in mind, why am I in such a hurry?

Why am I racing against myself?  I don’t benefit from doing so, why am I doing it?

Why am I racing against others?  Again, I don’t benefit from doing so, why am I doing it?

I guess the honest answer is to get the current thing that is most likely going to suck out of the way, so that I can move onto the next thing that is going to suck, and then the one after that.

Taking these things into consideration, thinking more slowly will at the very least lengthen the cycle with my mental health.  It will also potentially give me some down-time between things that suck.

Yes, taking the attitude that things are going to suck regardless isn’t a healthy attitude to take, but that’s a problem for another time.

Part Sixteen – Still Running

Reflecting on my last post, I said what I needed to say….albeit with an unhealthy level of swearing.  What’s done is done, and I really needed to get that off my chest.

Moving on, it’s been over two months since that last post, and in that time it’s hard to say where I’ve actually been at, because I’ve been up, down, and everything else in between.

Suffice to say, I ended up rejoining Facebook.

Yeah, I know.

The person who is so flatly adamant about not being a part of anything and going it alone, has rejoined the biggest social networking platform on the planet.

I’d find the irony of it all almost delicious, if I wasn’t the one doing it.

Being blunt, I stalled.  I ran out of steam, and going it alone got me as far as it could.  So, I rejoined Facebook as a result, knowing full well that it would probably be a bad idea.

Luckily, in many ways it hasn’t been…but it’s still early days, and time will ultimately tell how bad a decision it actually was, if at all.

Fortunately I’ve been very selective about who I’ve added to my Friends List, and there have been some rejections in there, which in many ways I find easier to deal with than having people in my life, but I’ll touch on that later.

I’m actually having trouble concentrating, it might be because I’ll be tackling a big subject that I’ve never really tried to tackle before, but it might be because I’ve got a mild head-cold at the moment.

Realistically, it’s probably the former and not the latter.

Where to start?

Where to start.

Where.  To.  Start.

I’ve been running for a very long time.  Absolute minimum it’s twenty years.  But, being realistic it’s closer to thirty.

It’s frustrating, writing in this blog is usually a lot easier than this, especially when I have something on my mind.  But this topic is having me draw a massive blank.

My name is Aaron Konrad Reisch, and I’m on the run.  I’ve been on the run for so long I don’t even remember from what, where, or who I’m running from, or why I even started running in the first place.

In some ways, that’s all I’ve got right now.  Some would say that I’m off to a good start because admitting to the problem is half the battle.

It’s funny, I want to instantly reject that, even though it hasn’t even been said by anyone.  It’s safe to say that rejection is all a part of the process.  It’s a big part of the running.

If I only take one thing from this section of my blog, that rejection = running, and running = rejection, it might give me some food for thought.

Yeah, it’s as good a start as any.


Part Fifteen – Dear Society (Highly Explicit and Confronting Content)

Dear Society,

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck your empty words and hollow rhetoric.  Fuck your fake values and false ideals.  Fuck your lies and fuck your bullshit.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck the self-righteous conservative moron bigots that claim to be upholding ‘morals’ and what is ‘right and decent’.  Fuck you and fuck the social justice hypocrite retards that fight against them.  Fuck you and fuck the fact that both sides are just as bad as each other, and only create more disunity and disharmony.  Fuck you for the fact that you allow this to happen and do nothing to fix it.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and for the fact that you insist that we are born free when in truth ninety-nine percent of us nothing more than fucking slaves.  Fuck you for the fact that that the one-percent have enslaved us, but more importantly, that it is perfectly legal.  Fuck you for the fact that you can’t create a system of government or justice that balances morality and ethics to the benefit of all, regardless of who they are or their station in life.  Fuck you for the fact that money is more important than people.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck your propaganda and social programming.  Fuck you and fuck the fact that you covertly undermine and degrade people just because they don’t own the latest iPhone, drive a nice car, own a house, are married or are in a relationship, have the ‘correct number’ of children, or aren’t in ridiculous amounts of debt to achieve those things.  Fuck you for the fact that it’s bad enough that the one-percent have enslaved us for financial gain, that you’ve completed our enslavement with your social programming and propaganda all to maintain the ‘status quo’.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you allow morons like Donald Trump and other tin-pot dictators to rise to power.  Fuck you for the fact that if Donald Trump was leader of any other country you WOULD call him a dictator and treat him accordingly.  Fuck you for your blatant hypocrisy on that point.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you do not educate people in what their freedoms actually are, and what that actually entails.  Fuck you for the fact that because of this religion is so divisive, violating its’ original purpose which is to unite people.  Fuck you for not helping people understand that freedom of religion is a right to worship whichever deity or deities you see fit, or to not worship at all.  Fuck you for not helping people understand that freedom of speech not only includes the right to speak freely, but also the right to NOT speak.   Fuck you for the fact that freedom of speech apparently means you can say whatever you want without consequences.  Fuck you for not helping people understand that freedom comes with responsibility, you cannot have one without the other.  Fuck you for the fact that you hold me more accountable and hold me to a higher level of responsibility, even though my life does not benefit in any way from you doing so.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you violate basic human rights on a daily basis.  Fuck you for the fact that you consistently violate peoples’ right to be who they are.  Fuck you for the fact that the status quo is more important than the individual.  Fuck you for being collectivist when you actually need to be more individualist and vice versa.  Fuck you for the fact that you turn your fake values on and off like a tap.  Fuck you for the fact that you don’t even play by your own rules.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you and fuck the fact that you encourage misery and sadness on an almost global scale.  Fuck you for the fact that you consistently try to pull the wool over our eyes.  Fuck you for the fact that you want us to believe that it’s business as usual and there’s ‘nothing to see here’.

Fuck.  You.

Fuck you for the fact that you are broken and won’t admit it.  Fuck you for the fact that you claim to uphold order but only create chaos.

Fuck.  You.

Society, it’s beyond overdue that you admit how broken you actually are, and actually do something about it.

Kind Regards,

Aaron Konrad Reisch.

Part Fourteen – Undue Pressure (Explicit Content)

Obviously, I’m still among the living.  If there’s a silver lining to where I was at, it did finally force me to consider being on medication again.  I’ll admit that in many instances I am staunchly against medication as a treatment for mental health issues.  It is my strict opinion that anti-depressants and similar meds are over-prescribed and over-used.

However, in spite of this my stance has changed, especially given that I am on medication again.  I do now accept that some people who have severe mental health issues realistically should be on medication.  The proof of this is that ultimately, even though I did improve after writing on this blog, or seeing my counsellor, it didn’t gain the long-term traction that I needed it to.

I need to be on medication.

End of story.

Boiling things down, I’m on medication because I’m not capable enough to be able to cope with the pressures that the outside world places on me, and the pressures that I also place upon myself.

The irony is that in spite of kicking virtually everyone out of my life is that the pressures are still there.  The reason for this is that I’m so accustomed to outside pressures that if they aren’t there then I pick up the slack.  Even though I kicked everyone out of my life, I am still putting myself under undue pressure, even though I do not benefit in any way what-so-ever by doing so.

Being back on meds aside, I have improved in the past few months.  And while it has been a difficult road up to this point, and I still have a difficult road ahead, at least the meds do some of the heavy lifting, which is what I do need.

For the most part, I no longer have friends.  Which is not only how I want it to be, but more importantly, how I need it to be.  People whom I used to consider to be friends, while they might have genuinely cared about me, were in the way of my mental health actually improving long-term.

It is for that reason, that I walked away.

To reinforce this point, the proof is in how much worse I got after I did so.  Some would argue that it is because I isolated myself.  It would be a valid argument if I was like virtually everyone else.  But, for those of you who have been tuning in that haven’t worked it out yet….

I’m not.

Never have been.

Never will be.

Being brutally honest, those friendships were nothing more than a crutch, not only for myself, but also for the people I was friends with at the time.  The simple and irrefutable facts about this whole situation was that my mental health was never going to improve while I was first and foremost helping others with what was on their mind at the time, at the expense of myself.  Secondly, when my friends did try to help me, it was usually for their own selfish reasons, after all I can be really useful when I’m not climbing the walls because I’m trapped in my own skull.  And finally, when I needed to do what needed to be done, they would try and stop me; or undermine me with more trivial things that made me happy at the time.

Realistically, I am so much better off without all that fucking bullshit in my life anymore.  More importantly now that crutch is gone, I finally got to see how bad my mental health actually was.  The frustrating thing about it all is that for the most part; ignoring the fact that I’m my own worst enemy; I haven’t had to deal with the traumas of sexual or physical abuse.  I haven’t had to flee a war-torn country with no clue as to whether or not I can over go back home.  I haven’t had to endure any of the appalling things that too many people have been subjected to over the years.

That hasn’t happened to me.

My story is about being undermined.

My story is a story about erosion.

That is why I’m at where I’m at.

What a lot of people do not understand is that my experiences have been cumulative.  That is where the damage was done, and more importantly that is what I am trying to repair.

I admire people who can rise above what they have been through, and be better because of it.  In many ways I’m jealous of people who have done that.

I haven’t even picked myself up out of the dirt yet.  In fact, in many ways I didn’t even know that I was figuratively lying face-down in the dirt, slowly bleeding out on an emotional level.  I guess that’s where the meds come in – they’ve helped me at least sit up and take stock of where things are at.  What happens next remains to be seen.

Hopefully if I can take stock on where things are at, and reflect on that so I can move in a direction that I actually want to go – I think it is incredibly important that I phrase it that way.

Moving forward has nothing to do with social norms or expectations, and it never will.  It is actually about moving in the direction you want to go in, in spite of norms and expectations.

That is what moving forward is.

Ask yourself this – would you do something, or be involved in an activity if you didn’t benefit from it?  You wouldn’t, would you?

You would only do so under duress, wouldn’t you.

My point exactly.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times that you need to be practical about it, I’m not that naive to pretend that isn’t the case.  There are times where your choices are limited or virtually non-existent, but there are also times when I would like to think that your choices are limitless, and it is on those occasions it is vital that you exercise your inalienable right to choose for yourself.

No-one has the right to choose for you, or enforce that on you.

I’ve experienced that first-hand.  That is the erosion that I spoke of earlier.

That is the undue pressure I’ve been under for far too long.

With that in mind, I’m going to write a letter to society.

“Dear Society….”

Part Thirteen – End of the Road (Confronting Content)

I wish I was dead, and ironically I’m too scared to even admit to that openly, and what it could mean by admitting to it.  I’m shaking and shivering right now, it’s the closest that I get to any kind of catharsis.

I wish I could cry, just to let it out.  Even if that means that I can’t stop.

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s OK, that I need to cry, but the tears simply won’t come easily.

That aside, I need to try and let it happen, because I’m at the end of the road here.  I’m sitting staring at my screen and basically encouraging myself to let it happen.

It’s not easy, the best I can manage is have my eyes tear up.  But I want to feel them run down my face.  I never thought that I would admit to that openly, but I actually do.

I’ve locked up all the pain, anger, hate, rage, disappointment, sadness, and hurt for too long.  I know that I swore to myself that I would never cry again, but look where that got me.

I’m trying to bring up painful memories to help things along, but to no avail.

I’m even trying to convince myself that I don’t have anything to prove, there’s no-one in the room but myself, and apart from anyone else that reads this, no-one is really going to know about it.

Not quite able to get there.  But in spite of that, the suicidal thoughts are back down to a more manageable level – in the back of my mind, instead of hammering at me.

For those of you reading this, who are concerned about me taking my life, I’ve got things back under better control, the shaking and shivering has subsided.  I guess I did find a small amount of catharsis in the end.

So, for now at least I’m able to keep myself safe.






Part Twelve – Darkest Hour (Explicit Content)

You know, if I was better at laughing at myself, I would laugh at the title because every time I get really low it is my ‘darkest hour’.  I’ve had so many ‘darkest hours’, that I’ve lost track.

I really need to learn how to laugh at myself, I’m my own comedian, with an audience of one.

Realistically, the sooner I learn to laugh at and with myself, the better.  After all, everyone else has been laughing at me for years – sadistic c**ts, so learning to laugh at myself will definitely soften the blow on that front.

Obviously, I’m pretty low at the moment.  Managed to hit a new low with people, the charity I was volunteering with blatantly lied to my face, and fucked me over with the small amount of paid work they offered me.  They only owe me forty bucks, but it’s magically disappeared because my first ‘shift’ retrospectively became an unpaid work trial, which is basically illegal here in Australia.  My head is still spinning with that one.

Remember my mentioning Krisi – I went to high school with her, and she reached out around a month ago.  That didn’t work out either.  But, I’m able to concede a few things on that one.  The big one being that she made it clear at the start that she didn’t expect a reply from me.  That is probably where I went wrong on that front.  In addition, I encouraged her to be herself, which I didn’t want in the end.  She is outgoing, and I’m obviously not.  She emotionally invests in people, which is something I absolutely hate on virtually every level.

The important thing I’m trying to take away from all of that is that my meaning well and saying the ‘right’ thing in the moment is all well and good, but ultimately I cannot actually deliver on what I say, as well meant as it is.  Fortunately, during my latest batch of self-destruction I was able to recognise that this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened, it’s actually part of a well established pattern that stretches all the way back to high school.

Ultimately, I don’t mean what I say.

Put simply, I’m really fucking insincere.

In terms of my insincerity, that also has its’ roots in high school.  Should I try to explore that?  If I was purely listening to what other people think, then yes, I probably should.  But, it’s not about them, is it.  It’s about me, and besides I have a counselling appointment in a few hours, so I’ll raise it then.  I also need to try and get some sleep because I haven’t slept yet.

Changing topics, I need to actually get on track with my original game plan – being a loner.  I’ve allowed myself to be taken off task, which is frankly unacceptable.  With that in mind the only thing that really needs to change in my life on a basic level is finding some stable work – around fifteen hours a week.  Apart from the obvious increase in income, working could provide a social outlet that I probably need, and I really fucking hate admitting to that.  My main concern is that it could affect my ability to be professional, I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Anyways, I’m losing my train of thought, and I need to try to get some sleep.